Nature Assassin

Pictures From My Shower... tradescandalous!

2011-12-12T20:20:00.000-06:00

Of me? Nuh uh, you wish. I don't think you're ready for the proverbial jelly.

When I shower, I like to feel like I'm in the rainforest, minus the tropical diseases. So I installed an overhead shelf and stocked it with orchids and tropical vines, including Tradescantia flumensis (possibly 'Quicksilver') and Tradescantia zebrina.

Then there's a staghorn fern (platycerium bifurcatum), silver squill (ledebouria spp.) and an aglaeonema (noid). There was a long, luxurious, sessy ponytail of spanish moss (tillandsia uesnoides) hanging from the curtain rod, which brought me joy during every shower. But then I went to the Garfield Conservatory for their awesome plant sale, and quelle surprise! It turns out LIVE spanish moss is a pale foamy green, like mermaid hair. That made me realize that the brown spanish moss in my shower had been dead for, like, months. Months during which I was lovingly patting it, and soaking it in cool water with fertilizer dilutions, and trying not to spritz it with soap or shampoo. My love was really accidental necrophilia. Oh well, live and learn!

Anyhow, welcome to my THIRD post of 2011, mid December. It's been pretty weird. Why wasn't I documenting my summer?!? The whole internet missed my vegetable garden! Isn't it funny how you get busy like that?

Merry Christmas, Motherfuckers

2011-05-19T00:24:00.010-05:00

Dear Chicago.

What is up with this freezing weather? I am tired of my puffy coat. It's May.

Sincerely,

Nature Assassin

UPDATE SCHMUPDATES

1) I entered myself into a lottery for a garden plot at my local park district, Ruby Community Garden. And BAM, son! I got one! I am gonna grow shit so hard. I'm gonna be out there on the daily, digging and hoeing. People will be like "GIRL YOU BESTA QUIT HOEING IT UP." And then I'll say, "NEVER."

2) In this vein, I've got Romas, Super Sweet 100s, Russian Banana taters, strawberries, and zucchini all sprouting.

I know that these are not houseplants. I'm also sprouting some Albizia just to keep it kosher.

3) Latest project: worm composting! There's a big gnarly worm bin in my kitchen. I used a small drill bit to make about 120 holes in the lid of a plastic storage tub, just like the one I use for sprouting seeds. If the pictures look dark, it's probably because it is dark. In Chicago. Forever.

Anyway, vermicomposting is fabulous, eco-friendly and fun... until you actually see the worms. Then you sort of die a little inside. They led a revolt the other day; a dozen or so climbed up the side of the tub and almost escaped through the seam of the lid. Needless to say, there was some screaming, and I nearly Avada-Kedavra'd them right off the balcony. Repugnant little.... ew. Just ew.

4) The Kombucha War rages on. Every time I get a new Scoby (which stands for symbiotic colony of bacteria and yeast), it tries to kill me... mostly by mold contamination, but the last one was more proactive. Photo below of the first tasting, which was gross, but did not kill me. I put the whole brew on top of the fridge and forgot about it... when I finally remembered to check on it, it had swollen up, eaten all the liquid in the jar, and was trying to climb out. Again with the screaming, and this time, I showed no mercy. I channeled my inner Sigourney Weaver, and sent that freak out the airlock.

5) My citrus x meyeri brought aphids into the compound. You know that I do not brick with that shit. Normally I would just throw them all out. But since I've gotten all attached to my citrus trees, I hired some teeny tiny assassins instead.

Sorry for the blurry photos. Those are ladybugs. I'm releasing about a dozen every day into my plant room. Weird? Yes. Extreme? Totally. But you know, there's something about watching those angry little tanks grab an aphid and SUCK IT EMPTY THROUGH ITS FACE that I just find to be really... hmm... satisfying.

So, lesson for the household organisms: don't mess with me, or I will kill you. Possibly with fire. Or pestilence. Now and then, a melee weapon.

More soon.

Bam!

2011-03-09T10:57:00.003-06:00

Sorry for the long delay, y'all! Here we go.

I love to germinate seeds. This spring, as usual, I'll give away asstons of seedlings. I'm going to germinate way more plants than I could ever reasonably use, just for funsies. The seed catalogs are pouring in, and I'm already in love. Moon and Stars Watermelon has got me waiting by the phone, crying, pining away. Anyway, growing tender seedlings indoors, with two cats around, can be somewhat... complex.

Dear cat. You're in my terrarium, crushin' my pachira, with your fat truck ass. What gives. Sincerely, your Overlord.

Everything has to be critter-proofed this year. I put a giant metal shelving unit right next to the heat radiator, figuring that the heat would speed up the germination process. Next, I needed a tough airtight container, like a seed incubator, but those things are wicked expensive. I've tried the soft plastic-covered trays that you might get from a home improvement center... unfortunately, Jiffy brand did not center their product design around domestic critter-attack. I was totally at a loss, until a smart friend said to me, "What about those plastic storage tubs, like they have at Target?"

BAM!

It looks a little jacked up, but it works just fine. The upper shelf contains my smaller tropical plants, enclosed in plastic. The front panel pops out so I can water and refill the humidifier. The second shelf is my seed incubators. The first seeds to go in were Dyckia 'Brittle Star,' provided by Turtlewalker at the fabulous blog Succulent Bromeliads and Others (thanks again!). Preparing Dyckia seeds for germination is a tricky process involving sugar, bleach, and prayer. Once prepped, I popped them in peat pellets and...

BAM!

Isn't it cute?!? And it took no time whatsoever... maybe two weeks. More updates to follow.

BRING OUT YER DEAD

2010-12-07T11:12:00.002-06:00

So, this is my latest casualty list, Scottish-style. I guess I'm feeling a little gaelic. Like the black plague sweeping through the highlands in the 1300s and 1600s, I have swept through my indoor garden, leaving death in my wake. Seriously, look at how long this list is.

Abutilon striatum 'Thompsonii' - Ah fergot to water et!

Alocasia infermalis 'Kapit' - Ah fergot to water that, too!

Araucaria heterophylla

Adantium pedantum - good riddance, ye misbegotten bastard of a fern!

Breynia nirvosa 'nana' - poor wee little bonsai.

Citrus x meyeri (Meyer lemon) seedlings

Citrus hystrix (Makrut lime) - It's DEED, DEED and a doornail.

Codiaeum 'Picasso's Paintbrush' - AHM STILL GLAD YER DEED, YE NEEP-HEIDED

ARSEFACE!

Coprosma noid, possibly 'Evening Glow'

Grevillea robusta

Juncus spiralis 'Variegata'

Mandevilla splendens - To hell with ye, ye great barmy vine.

Nematanthus wettsteinii 'Variegated'

Neoregelia 'Kimberly'

Nephrolepis exaltata 'Emina'

Passiflora noid

Podocarpus 'Bird's Tongue'

Sansevieria rorida - Ah'll never ferget you. Ah'll play a doleful tune, on me pipes, o'er yer grave.

Sedum spp. cuttings - FECK YOU, APHIDS

Tillandsia (various)

Yucca elephantipes

Now, keep in mind that this group has been accumulating for several months. It's not as though one weekend I just went on a massive killing spree. And I did manage to re-home several other plants on craigslist before they contracted a fatal case of kitten, otherwise this list would be longer. But you have to admit, it's still a pretty impressive death toll. I'm that monster in the scary story that plants tell their plantlets, to keep them in line. Hopefully some experiential knowledge was gained from all this, hopefully these failures have taught me more about success.

Hopefully.

Euphorbia Yum Yums

2010-12-06T13:44:00.002-06:00

Being in need of flowers and a project, I thought I'd try my hand at oversummering cyclamen tubers. Unfortunately, when I went out in search of a specimen/victim, none of the cyclamens I encountered really called out to me. I was looking for something small, simple, and pretty, and all I could find were giant fluffy freaks that were all bedazzled to hell. And yet, on my way out the door....

Euphorbia pulcherrima NOID, a.k.a. poinsettia

What?! Dude, I don't even like poinsettias. At least, I thought I didn't. But something about this particular coloration was just so goddamn festive. I looked at it, and suddenly I was tasting candycanes and hearing Bing Crosby music and feeling all warm-towards-humanity and stuff. It called to me. And as I was arguing with myself about dropping hard-earned kizzash on some disposable holiday bullshit, a counter-argument surfaced. It is possible... kind of... to oversummer poinsettias. And if there's one thing I enjoy, it's an irritating botanical project with little chance of success. So, I was sold.

Out the door I went, with a big stupid Christmasy smile on my face. And then suddenly...

Day-yumn! Look at that awesomeness. It's Euphorbia trigona 'Red,' my poinsettia's nasty cousin from down south. Euphoriba trigona can get pretty big, and the idea that I could eventually have a giant RED one in my apartment made me quite pleased.

It does have this weird little blister on one of the stalks. I don't know what that is... I'm half expecting a small, phallic baby alien to burst out of there. More likely is it will rupture and just become scar, which would be no biggie. We'll see.

So that's all for now. Coming soon, I kill a bunch of plants, and brew some Kombucha. And possibly die from drinking homemade Kombucha. I guess if the posts stop altogether, you'll know why. Send someone over to water my plants.

Parting Gift: I try to base my plant-shopping etiquette on this clip. Robbed from the film "The Room," which was robbed of the Oscar for Best Picture.

Doin it, and Doin it, and Doin it right.

2010-11-30T14:52:00.001-06:00

www.marriedtothesea.com

Whoopsie Doodles, and Other Projects

2010-11-15T12:48:00.005-06:00

Hey y'all, remember that Homalomena that I just rescued from certain death?

MUAH HA HA HA HAAAAAAAA!!!!!

Damn, I'm good! Now come up to the lab, and see what's on the slab.

Agave parryi is back inside, beginning the adjustment to winter quarters. This is my first experiment with tender perennials. Will it survive? We'll see. Is the cat tail more a photobomb or a derp?

Dieffenbachia (noid) had to be rebooted. I don't know what went wrong... maybe it was a watering problem, because all the leaves went chlorotic. In any case, this is still an open project... after being cut back to square one, new leaves are sprouting nicely!

Amaryllis hippeastrum 'Sydney.' Man, I really should put a cute soil cover on that to hide the plastic. By the way, if you want to have an Amaryllis bloom in time for Christmas, you need to get started... well, a couple of weeks ago actually. But there's no harm in starting now! You may get a bloom in time for the holidays, and if you don't, think of it this way: won't you be needing a little botanical cheer in your life come January, when the christmas lights are all down, and there are no flowers to be had until spring? With this in mind, I'm staggering a few bulbs for continuous bloom. Including...

Narcissus tazetta (paperwhite); an oldie but a goodie. DANG I need to get some soil covers going on. Maybe I'll buy some of that heinous neon-green dyed moss.

And finally, a mixed grouping of sedum cuttings, plus some sempervivums and one opuntia. Don't ask me why I keep growing different opuntias, because I don't know. "Opuntia: A Genus of Assholes." Anyway, I'm hoping to have them all rooted in time for spring container planting!

Parting Gift: That Homalomena was such a Momma's Boy.

Botanical Magic

2010-11-10T13:16:00.000-06:00

Like John Fortune in China, like John Tradescant in Russia, I will gladly cross faraway lands in search of plants. Last week, I went on just such a mission. At Grand Street Gardens, I obtained several cute Peperomias and an Auracaria araucana (a.k.a. Monkey Puzzle Tree). Emboldened by success, I threw caution to the wind and ventured south from my kingdom, into that lawless wasteland, The South Suburbs.

Forging through an ocean of K-Marts, subsisting only on Portillos, I finally arrived at my destination: the Black Gates of Ted's Greenhouse. It is appropriate that this unholy garden center be located in Tinley Park, for Tinley Park is a godless and inhospitable backcountry, providing the perfect protection for Ted and his minions. Yes, I have returned from this journey with plants, and with the truth of the matter: Ted is guilty of witchcraft most foul.

Ficus rubiginosa 'Variegata'

"Alright, what are you talking about," you ask. I will tell you. They are just too good. Their level of expertise may be partially explained by green thumbs and horticultural degrees, but at least part of it has got to be Black Mass. Not only does this greenhouse grow FOUR kinds of passionflowers, including a PINK one, but they have got fruit. FRUIT! Upon this observation, I basically ran around until I found an employee, and made him look too just to be sure I wasn't crazy. No, he explained, those dozens of juicy, perfect orange spheres really were passion fruit. But, he continued, they are empty fruits because we don't have the correct pollinators in this area. He grabbed one off the vine and opened it for me to see... it was totally hollow. That's when I really began to suspect that Satan was involved.

Agave NOID.

I saw many other plants which confirmed this suspicion. They have got variegated things there that... well... just SHOULDN'T be variegated. Their cactus and succulent department has shelves marked "Not For Sale," and the plants on those shelves are CLEARLY the product of the Dark Arts.

Pachypodium lamerei.

Obviously I could not resist the pink passionflower, ficus, or pachypodium. I also brought home a really amazing lithops, a stapelia hirsuta, some hard-to-find abutilons, and a gorgeous grevillea robusta. Another employee told me a wonderful story about the days when grevilleas were a popular holiday plant. Before poinsettias were improved to their modern state, grevilleas were used to fill the middle of circular plantings of poinsettias to obscure their legginess. Nice try, guys. You may have sold holiday poinsettias, but I think at this point we all know that you were acutally celebrating WIZARD SABBATH.

I'm lucky I escaped with my soul... and all these awesome plants.

Parting Gift: A little Deathklok, in honor of all things evil. I suggest you crank it.

Oh Nomena, Homalomena!

2010-11-01T10:35:00.002-05:00

Only because it was exotic and cute, I purchased a Homalomena (wallisii, possibly 'Camouflage') from Helm's Deepot. Literature on this houseplant was pretty scant, but I should have known better than to let it dry out, since I had just read exactly that advice via Mr. Subjunctive. But what can I say... when it comes to screwing up plants, I have a very special gift. So, after only a couple days in my house, the poor Homalomena was ready to give up the ghost.

The first emergency care step was to rehydrate the soil and shower the leaves in the sink.

Then I employed a humidity bag. This is a really useful trick whenever your plants are suffering from dry air, are recovering from spider mites, or recently wilted from underwatering. Any clear, roomy plastic bag will work. Make sure you let your pot drain thoroughly before you bag it, to protect against drowning and rot. For example, I use a rubber band to affix the bag to the sides of the pot, so the drainage holes are still uncovered and breathing free. I also inflate the bag before I seal it up, so that the leaves aren't laying against moist plastic. Who knows... the plants may appreciate the carbon dioxide as well.

And look: by morning light, satisfactory bounce-back! The humidity-bag treatment has a certain window of efficacy; given too much time without water, and there is no possibility of recovery. I have tried to revive many a wilted Abutilon with a humidity bag, without success. And as you can see, a couple of the lower leaves on the homalomena died (they will have to be removed). But all in all, a successful crisis intervention.

Parting Gift: My Homalomena is named Cindi Mayweather

A Halloween Photo Essay

2010-10-31T21:20:00.001-05:00

Part One: In Which Nature Assassin goes to some Interesting Parties.

Part Two: In Which I Stumble Home, Eat Candy, and Collect Seeds.

Happy Halloween Everybody!

Snack time

2010-10-19T12:13:00.002-05:00

So, what's in the fridge?

Collected seeds* in the vegetable drawer... any vegetables whatsoever?

If you go hunting in the freezer, watch out for the container of flies. Sarracenias gotta eat too.

Parting Gift: If you're still hungry, here's some tasty music.

*Holler if you're interested in trading.

I've got mainly annuals and perennials, some houseplant varieties.

The Heat is On!

2010-10-18T11:45:00.004-05:00

Crap, crap!!!

You know, I never worry too much about my outdoor plants getting cold damage in the fall. I'm conscientious enough to start bringing them in early, one by one, and lackadaisical enough that if a couple get left outside too long, I don't stress out. Today... tomorrow... I'll make it happen.

The outdoor crowd, back from a poolside-summer. The chlorotic Datura will be overwintered, dormant, in my basement. The others are in for a long haul.

But my great fear... my redoubtable fear... is heat. My apartment has radiators, which are controlled my my landlord. He is a kind and benevolent overlord not to freeze our asses out, and also the heat is free, so I really can't complain. BUT, here I go. When I first heard that bubbly hiss of the radiators kicking on this morning, I went directly into amber-alert.

CLEAR THE RADIATORS AND THE PERIMETER!
GET THE CALATHEAS TO SAFETY!
SECURE THE HUMIDIFIERS!
THE FERNS! SWEET ZOMBIE JESUS... WHERE ARE THE FERNS?!!

Just in time, my 30 gallon seedling incubator was re-appropriated to serve as a winter humidity chamber, so any fern or tender plant less than five inches wide and twenty inches high has a real shot at surviving this winter. The others had better evolve REAL fast.

Good luck, Maranta. You're gonna need it.

Meanwhile, I finally found a greenhouse that was willing to babysit my Philodendron ('Black Cardinal?') for the winter, or as they call it, the "semester." The price, while very reasonable, was still too steep for yours truly, and so the philodendron is staying home once again (Sorry, buddy, no semester abroad in a tropical spa for you).

photo credit to my Tweesy, taken with her i-phone. Holler from yer girl, Twees!

So folks in the Chicago area... get 'em inside. Get 'em quarantined and treated for pests.... then get ready for the humidity crisis.

Parting Gift: Do you need some music to listen to while you're doing your indoor gardening? Treat yourself.

Congratulations, it's an Anarchist!

2010-10-02T10:17:00.002-05:00

Well, I've added another minion to my crew. This fearsome beast is Remy LeBeau... six months, and five pounds, of pure destruction. Like any baby, he eats several times a day, wakes me up in the night crying, and constantly wants to be held. Unlike a baby, he is agile, lightning fast, and really sharp at the corners. He's a fanged, concealed-razor carrying ninja-baby, and my whole apartment is his dojo. The houseplants and stemware have sustained massive losses. Needless to say, I think it's cute.

You learn well, young grasshopper.

Felines, I have found, have a natural affinity to plant murder... or just murder in general, I guess. Also, being independent and low-maitenance means that they themselves are resistant to accidental assassination. You don't see any puppies or parakeets around here. Evil scientists don't have the necessary skills to keep most pets alive. Flying monkeys? Yes. Goldfish? No.

Meh, I guess I didn't need that Yucca anyway.

Speaking of lack of nurturance, my other henchman (henchwoman, actually) is less-than-thrilled with our new acquisition.

Now that she's laid the smackdown on him a few times, they're getting along really well. He understands... she's alpha minion, he's beta. She's Bellatrix Lestrange, he's... I don't know, Fenrir Greyback or somebody.

Anyway, look what he did to this Calliandra, and the Monstera beside it. I'll never put the vacuum away again. Not even in kindergarten, and he's already defoliating at a third-grade level! I'm so proud.

Are You Guys Ready For Fall?

2010-09-21T09:48:00.012-05:00

I know I yam! Get it? Yams? Oh man, the seasonal hilarity!

It's time to bust out the traditional paraphernalia! Me, I decided to buy a houseplant that had some nice fall color: Codiaeum 'Picasso's Paintbrush,' aka Croton. Flaming orange, red, and yellow leaves... how could I resist? I don't have a picture, because it started to go downhill the minute I got out my credit card. Let me just tell you, I have never disliked a plant so venemously; finally I just stopped watering and let it die. And I enjoyed every minute of that. Of course, I wrote a letter...

Dear Codiaeum 'Picasso's Paintbrush;'

You are a piece of crap, from the bottom up. From your inbred, genetically-inherited sissyness to your low-quality growers soil, you have been nothing but a disappointment. I'm glad you're dead. I'm going to hire a voodoo priest to raise you up, just so I can kill you again. Then, I hope Russell Edgington gets you, and then Voldemort, and then a Rancor, and then a Terminator. And I mean a T-1000, not some fluffy Arnold Terminator. Ugh, you disgust me!

You broke my heart. I curse each one of your offspring to live in a novelty pot covered with puppies and inspirational messages about grandchildren, with an aquaglobe on top. Here is your eulogy song.

Sincerely,

Nature Assassin

Well rampant hostility aside, Happy Fall Everybody!! Coming soon... kitten pictures!

Party At?

2010-08-31T15:21:00.005-05:00

I'll start posting again, right after I watch a few more episodes of Archer. Did I say episodes? I meant seasons. In the meantime, if you've been wondering where the party at, get a load of these upcoming Chicagoland houseplant events:

datura noid

September 11 + 12: Lakeshore African Violet Society Show and Sale. Chicago Botanic Garden, 10am to 4:30pm.

September 11 + 12: Gethsemane Garden Center Annual Sidewalk Sale - This is a great time to get pottery, out-of-flower orchids, and more on the cheap. Between you and me, they have tradescantia, ferns, cyperus, breynias, and many other indoor-friendly plants marked for sale as outdoor annuals. Time to stock up! 9-6pm.

September 18: Hawthorne Garden's Houseplant Seminar. Acclimatizing your pre-existing plants, and adding new ones. 10am.

October 3: Lurie Garden Workshop, "Garden Blogging: Porting Your Garden Journal to the Digital Age." Lecture by Mr. Brown Thumb, hosted in the 1st floor Garland Room, 10am to 12pm.

October 9 + 10: Illinois Orchid Society Show and Sale. Chicago Botanic Garden, time TBA

October 20: Sprout Home's Terrarium Building Class. Registration required (info@sprouthome.com), cost approximately $35-$75, depending on selected materials. 6pm.

Everyone's invited over to my place before these events for pregaming, BYOB

New Plant Roll Call

2010-07-12T11:21:00.005-05:00

ABUTILON!

You sure do need a lot of water. And I'm not sure I like you as much as I like my two Abutilon thompsoniis, River and Simon. Nevertheless, your flowers are very cool. Carry on.

ALOE PLICATILIS!

Keep in mind that you are here as a long term investment. You want to grow slowly? Fine. Carry on.

ASPIDISTRA ELIATOR 'MILKY WAY'!

You have proven yourself to be of high aesthetic quality, while requiring minimum maintenance. Also, the new leaves are looking swell. Carry on.

DRYOPTERIS ERHYTHROSORA!

It has come to my attention that you are a fern. Also, you are not dead. To exist under this botanical dualism in my home is rare indeed... most impressive. As a caveat, I must warn you... I've had bad luck with indoor-outdoor ferns. If I find a single scale or mealybug on you, I'll make you wish you'd never been germinated. That is all, carry on.

PASSIFLORA!

I can't trust anything with such... racy looking flowers. I've got my eye on you. Just keep those tendrils to yourself!

PEPEROMIA CAPERATAS!

Never met a Peperomia I didn't like. At ease.

BEGONIA REX NOID!

Don't think that you get special treatment, just because you were a gift cutting. We don't take kindly to begonias around here. You better keep that growth habit bushy and compact or I will equalize you, for serious.

SENECIO MACROGLOSSUS VARIEGATUS!

You are climbing that hoop like a champ. Great job. Take five.

That's it, now everyone, BACK TO WORK!

Death is Everywhere

2010-07-12T10:58:00.007-05:00

Hey guys! Let's look at what's new and exciting in my garden. After a pretty bad leaf drop, I aggressively pruned my Coprosma x kirkii 'variegata.' It's recovered remarkably well, and I think it will make a really nice specimen for... um...

Aw, shit. Well, anyway, I found another vendor who carries Leptinella squalida 'Platt's Black,' which I absolutely love. My last Leptinella came down with a bad case of root nematodes, and so now it swims with the fishes. This new specimen seems totally robust, and...

Aw, shit! Okay, moving on, my Aeonium arboreum atropurpureum (possibly 'schwarzkopf') finally put on some new...

AW SHIT. Well, at least my monstera deliciosa 'cheesecake' has been doing really OH SWEET JESUS NO, ZOMBIES!!!!

Dammit. Does malathion work against zombies?

Comparisons 09-10 : musa acuminata 'novak'

2010-07-11T23:29:00.001-05:00

musa acuminata 'novak,' a.k.a. dwarf banana, february 2009. a new purchase, at the time.

march 2009

it was a tough winter for the banana. luckily, it rebounded in spring.

june 2010. living poolside, it's happier than ever! not much height gained, but the foliage is definitely healthier.

Comparisons 09-10: alocasia 'calidora'

2010-07-11T23:24:00.002-05:00

alocasia 'calidora', a.k.a. persian palm/elephant ears, march '09

june '10. that one leaf is an absolute monster. no, seriously, how will i ever get that plant back indoors?

other than that, not much change. i'm just pleased that it survived the winter!

First Forays in Aquatic Plants

2010-06-26T19:53:00.002-05:00

Dear Cyperus (diffusus?) Number One:

Everyone told me that the only rule with you was constant moisture. So, the whole not-watering-to-death thing is totally my bad. To be fair, you could have given me more warning. I'm really sorry you had to die just to teach me something I already knew; your sacrifice paves the way for future plants, who theoretically will not succumb to the same mistakes. I'm sure you understand.

Dear Cyperus Number Two:

Don't worry, everything's going to be fine. Probably.

Sincerely,

Nature Assassin

Busy as a Bombus

2010-06-17T11:45:00.004-05:00

The posts have been sporadic and spontaneous lately, I know. I've blown right by a few important things... first, the blog was nominated for a Mouse & Trowel award, so thank you to everyone who voted! The winner of the Best Indoor Gardening Blog category went to Plants Are The Strangest People, which is my favorite houseplant blog, including my own. My One Seed Chicago seeds came in (Monarda!!), terrariums have been constructed and deconstructed, propagation projects have come and gone. And of course, several houseplants have been murdered. So where are all the posts?

Well, I'm super busy people, really and for true! I work full time at a garden center, which suits me pretty much perfectly. Both of my days off are spent in pursuit of my bigger dream... to enter a PhD program in clinical psychology. I spend one day at a lab as a research assistant, and one day as a volunteer intern at a rehabilitation center for teens. Basically, I have zero days off, and almost zero time for anything else but watering my plants and sleeping. Thank god for Boyfriend Assassin, who has taken on the household duties.

So, that's a little insight into my life outside of Nature Assassin. In relevant news, spring is over, and the sun is finally shining in Chicago like a good yellow star should. Gardeners of the world rejoice! We've had rain, we've got humidity, and now there's light and heat. Pack up the humidifiers and bust out the fertilizer; everything's gonna be fine! Until October, anyway. Here's a little W.H. Auden on the subject. That's all for now; stay in touch for more posts, and thanks for reading!

just some plants i am growing

2010-06-10T23:37:00.005-05:00

i am going to do some how-to posts very soon. but for now...

1. sansevieria trifasciata

2. peperomia argyriea, post-division

3. microsorum thailandicum and schefflera

4. more p. argyreia (post division, after all)

5. abutilon hybrid

6. strelitzia (nicholai or reginae?)

7. senecio macroglossus

8. aloes and agaves

9. cotyledon tomentosa

10. nephrolepis 'emina'

11. phalaenopsis 'balinese splendor'

12. sansevieria 'crazy-ass fool' (i can't figure out which

cultivar this is)

13. fatshedera lizei

a light night love letter

2010-06-05T23:47:00.004-05:00

or rather, a love picture. from me, and my mandevilla.

-na

Bow Chicka Bow Bow, part two

2010-05-31T01:48:00.001-05:00

Spring is here, summer is almost here, and that means nature is feeling Awesome and Sexy. There are flowers all over the place, and even indoors, things are growing crazygonuts.

Abutilon cuttings. I'm hoping I can train them as a standard.

Neoregelia 'Kimberly' flowered beautifully, and has put out a few pups. Here's the biggest:

and the plant still looks awesome. Not quite the same for as my mystery bromeliad (neoregelia 'carolinae?'), which flowered totally in secret and is looking a little haggard now.

Still, maybe the decline is due to MORE PUPS!

Bromeliads are so fun. They have such a wonderful life cycle. Meanwhile the opuntia seedlings have totally grown... shhyeah. Frigging cactus.

No really, I'm fine. I'll just stay like this for a couple more years. I'm good.

Of course, there have been failures. My papayas committed mass suicide! My passiflora cuttings drank the cool-aid. My clematis never sprouted. Spring is a time of everything being wonderful... then you forget to water, and it's a time of "AW SHIT."

And speaking of "aww," check out my scindapsus argyreus. What's that? The view is obstructed by sleeping cat adorableness? Oh, I know. Our cats are still all up ons.

Maybe it's their mutual need to destroy houseplants and possessions that brings them together.

Tadpoles At My Garden Center

2010-05-27T00:58:00.007-05:00

Yo What it Do?

2010-05-25T00:50:00.081-05:00

I try to propose answers around here, for the most part. Much less often, I pose questions. Here are two questions that have got me stumped:

1) Can powdery mildew be treated with Physan? In fact... what is up with Physan? How is it managing to kill algae and NOT kill my gametophytes, simultaneously? I mean, aren't they both photosynthetic organisms? Physan.... what it do??

powdery mildew, 2009. it has already killed this year... and it will kill again.

2) Rooting hormone aka artificial auxins (street names include Rootone, Dip N' Grow): riddle me this. What if I plant cuttings, and I forget to dip them in rooting hormone. Would it make sense to immediately water with a solution of rooting hormone? Does that make any kind of logic? What the fuck is up with rooting hormone, anyway? WHAT IT DO?

And in other, random news... after the completely accidental, non-negligent, not-my-fault death of my pitcher plant, Sarracenia 'Tarnok,' I bought another one. This time it's Sarracenia 'Catesbai.' I think I can induce dormancy with this one and get it to come back next year if I partially overwinter it in the refrigerator. Anyway, it's awesome, and it looks like it's singing very loudly.

When I brought this plant home, I discovered an undeclared hitchhiker: a SLUG! I stuck it in a terrarium, named it, and tried to give it away for free on Craigslist:

One slug, good condition I guess... I mean, slugs look pretty crappy to begin with, right? Rode in on a houseplant. I can't keep it, but apparently I'm some kind of hippie because I can't kill it either. Don't know the age or gender, or if slugs even have genders. I've been calling it Justin, after Justin Bieber, your favorite pop singer and mine. Anyway, Justin is free to a good home, or even an ambivalent one. Just please come get it.

I didn't actually take this picture, but it looks exactly like Justin Bieber. For all I know, it IS him... maybe he was a model previously.

My post was flagged three times. Slug activists? Who knows! Several people offered to take Justin, and a few people made death threats. "Kill the bugger, pour salt on him! Slugs destroy plants/gardens!" Humanely, my boyfriend suggested we drown Justin in an excellent beer, and also drown ourselves in said beer to pay our respects. In the end, I just let him go on the porch. Good luck, fucker! Sorry world! You're welcome, Sarracenia!

And that's all for now, from my slice of paradise.

Bee-Tee-Dubbs

2010-04-22T12:35:00.001-05:00

BTW, people, I hope to see you at the International Aroid Society's Mid-America Chapter meeting this Saturday, in St. Louis!

I'll be in St. Louis for the next week on family business, so blog posts may be suspended. Happily, I get to squeeze in a day trip to the MOBOT for the Aroid meeting, where I have been promised lectures, research presentations, tours, plants swaps, and punch and pie. There better be punch and pie, anyway.

Aroids, for your horticultural edification, compose a huge chunk of the tropical plants commonly grown as houseplants. You probably love them, even if you don't know it! Or maybe you do know it! Whatever, dude, just get thee to the MOBOT!

http://www.aroid.org/midamerica/

Growing Opuntia from Seed

2010-04-22T12:15:00.000-05:00

I give you Opuntia ficus-indica: The Prickly Pear

Actually, what you're seeing here is the fruit of the pricky pear cactus. You can find them at any grocery store that specializes in Mexican produce. The other commonly-sold portion of the cactus is the pad itself, typically used it savory dishes (i.e. nopales). Not that the fruit is particularly sweet... it mostly tastes like the bastard offspring of an aloe and a beet. In any case, you'll need to buy one to get the seeds, so you might as well eat it. Who knows, perhaps the seeds are your secondary goal, perhaps you LOVE the taste of cactus fruit and you're just sprouting seeds as an afterthought. Weirdo.

Anyway, I will show you what worked for me.

Slice your fruit in half, and scoop out the seedy pith in the middle. The outer flesh is what you eat. Give the seeds a rinse in a strainer/sieve to remove as much of the red, fleshy fruit as possible; this material could become moldy and kill your seedlings. The seeds are small, flat, and brown.

Scatter your seeds over a fine, fast draining mix like peat amended with vermiculite or sand. Dust the seeds lightly to cover, and provide bottom heat. Opuntias take their sweet-ass time with germination... my first seedlings didn't appear for seven weeks! SEVEN! So be patient, and don't toss the batch too soon.

It's so cute to see a cactus seedling. One day they'll be tough, mean assholes, but for now, they're just sweet little dicotyledons. Ain't life grand? More updates to come.

Papayas

2010-04-15T15:20:00.006-05:00

Coming out of the lab the other day, I happened upon this beautiful sight:

What could this sexy specimen be? A closer inspection was fruitful..... GET IT?!? OMG, SNORT.

A papaya! It was excellent to see a papaya growing so well indoors, because I recently sprouted a few papaya seeds in my plant room. Unfortunately, there is no guarantee that my plants will ever be so productive or appealing; my seeds came from a grocery store papaya, while the specimen above was labelled Carica papaya 'TR Hovey,' from Logees greenhouse in Connecticut. We'll just have to see what becomes of my little cuties:

Welcome to the world, seedlings!

You should know that there's only one rule in my house: GROW OR DIE. Oh, and try not to fraternize with the Meyer lemon seedlings... they've been experimenting with aphids lately. Citruses are such bad influences.

Update Schmupdate

2010-04-11T18:48:00.002-05:00

Recent loot!

Aeschynanthus radicans 'Mona Lisa'

A cultivar of the popular Lipstick plant, 'Mona Lisa' has thick, tough, fuzzy leaves. The flowers are a dark scarlet red and deep, deep purple. Although my specimen dropped ALL of its flowers within 24 hours of moving in, it obliged me by sending out lots of new branches/vines. A classic houseplant, perfect as a partial-shade hanging basket in summer.

Clerodendrum thomsoniae

Also known as bag flower, bleeding heart vine, and Glory Bower. I'm torn between training this beautiful vine to trail from a basket or climb an arbor. Also a fairly old-school houseplant, but Clerodendrum is seen in books more often then it is seen on store shelves.

Coprosma x kirkii 'Variegata"

This New Zealand shrub is less common in indoor culture. Commonly known as mirror bush, the original latin name Coprosma roughly means "smells crappy." Luckily this attribution only holds for one type of Coprosma, and the variety I have is nothing but pleasant. I'm looking forward to many hours of happy pruning in our future.

Lithops optica 'Rubra' may not be recent loot, but it's still news. Both of my specimens are growing new leaf pairs. I find it curious and charming.

C+S Super Fun Time

2010-04-11T15:21:00.004-05:00

Today I attended Bob Webb's lecture on C+S (cacti and succulents) at a Gethsemane Garden Center open house event. Bob is the owner of Arid Lands Greenhouse in Tuscon Arizona, as well as a cactus and succulent conservationist. Here are some highlights from my notes on his lecture:

1) It's all about the roots, so seriously consider your soils. The greater the soil mass, the greater the chances for rot. This means two things: don't overpot your C+S, and use high proportions of coarse drainage material*. Bob uses pumice for this purpose, because it is very lightweight. In response to a question about his soil mix, Bob quipped, "If I told you my soil mix, I'd have to kill you. So, prepare to die." Fortunately or unfortunately, I didn't write down his secret recipe.

2) When it comes to fertilizing your C+S, go low on nitrogen (the first number on your fertilizer label) and high on potassium (the third number on your fertilizer label). Excessive nitrogen can cause C+S to become leggy, and increases the risk of rot. Meanwhile, potassium provides some amount of immunity to common pathogens.

3) Don't be afraid of latin names. I nearly shouted a "hallelujah!" when this point came up.

4) Experiment! Bob apparently went gaga for C+S after killing his first Adenium obesum; accidents will happen, as well as victories. As an amateur horticulture assassin, this advice made me hopeful.

So what did I get away with? This little beauty:

Anacampseros rufescens 'Sunrise.' What a gem!

Seems like a perfect indoor plant for a hanging basket.

Update: Ahh, tartar sauce! It would appear that anacampersos reaches a maximum height of three inches... good for ground cover, no good for hanging baskets. Oh well... dish garden it is!

*There are exceptions to this rule: Bob noted that different plants prefer different ratios of soil to coarse drainage as a means to absorb the correct amounts of water. Furthermore, certain plants like Pachypodium limereaie will flower better when they are regularly potted up, rather than pot-bound. I could sit and learn the details of these plants all day!

Get Yer Bagged Poop!

2010-04-08T03:10:00.009-05:00

   Y'all heard of Milorganite? Am I the last one to find out about this?

   Well, if you were hesitant before about buying bags of baked Milwaukian sewage, don't fear. They have a great video explaining why this stuff is totally cool, and not at all SUPER FUCKING GNARLY.

   Let me just add this... people from Milwaukee drink a lot of microbrews and eat a lot of sausages, in my experience. Are you sure you want to go down this road? Having friends ask you, "What's your secret with your hostas and vegetables?" and you reply, "Why, it's beer-sausage manure. Great stuff!"

   Maybe someone should start bagging our waste, and call it Chicagoite. It would probably smell like PBR, hot dogs, and bad decisions.

Sexy Sexy Gloriosa

2010-04-04T18:35:00.003-05:00

Though I've read of this plant in classic indoor horticulture manuals, I've rarely seen it in cultivation. Until this year, anyway! The Glory Lily (Gloriosa superba) seems to be showing up a lot. I've seen it trained into comely hoops at Home Depot lately. On a previous suggestion from Mr. Subjunctive, I visited the TPIE website website and saw that a new cultivar had won a prize. And, most recently, at the Chicago Garden and Flower Show...

Glory Lily seems to be the flower of the season!

Give Away That Which You Love Most...

2010-04-03T16:41:00.000-05:00

Well friends, spring is here. It's is a time of growth and renewal for everything that is alive. Spring is a time for generosity: generosity of time, generosity of material things, and generosity of spirit.

What could be better than receiving a bundle of Passiflora cuttings from my biffle on a gorgeous day?

So, how will I celebrate spring? Just like I celebrate in fall: by giving away (and buying) a shit-ton of plant material. I'm going to sprout and propagate plants all over the place; I've already started. I've got improved Meyer Lemons, papayas, and Opuntias sprouting, and there are seeds on their way to me in the mail. True, I don't own a scale here that measures shit-tons, so my cubic shit-ton estimate is just that... an estimate. What I'm trying to do is just give you some perspective on the volume of plants here. It's a lot.

Heathen plantophiles like me adore the Rites of Spring, the secular aspects of Easter ... watching the snow melt, and seeing things start to green up and peek out. Getting our hands muddy and really enjoying the outdoors again. Potting up our root-bound houseplants, moving sulking specimens outside to bathe in the warm light. Potting, pruning, and propagating!

The natural fecundity of plants during this time is ridiculously enjoyable. Go forth, fellow plant people, and spread your non-metaphorical seeds!

Then, when warmer weather hits and you have more jars of Pothos cuttings that you know what to do with, give them away. When your plants are generous with bounty, share your good fortune and give away that which you love most. Homemade cuttings, seeds, or spring berries are such great presents! Give them away, friend... give them away by the shit-ton. Amen.

What's Up in Rogers Park?

2010-04-03T15:48:00.001-05:00

The crocuses, that's what!

The hyacinths and the daffodils are also up, and any minute now the tulips will be exploding.

Right behind them will come the lilies. The lily that grows just outside my front door is back again this year, and getting ready to dazzle. Seeing it come up from the ground was like seeing an old friend come back from a long, long vacation. I love spring!!

Is it time?

2010-04-01T16:42:00.003-05:00

Is it time to put my plants outside??

   No. Not yet.

But it's gorgeous out there!

   I know, right? But wait just a little more.

The forecast says it's going to stay warm... even thefuckingweather says so.

   Yep. But let's just give it another week or so, to be sure that the nighttime temperatures don't go below 50 degrees. Better safe than sorry! That said, there are some plants that will survive these temperatures:

Agaves, aloes, and several other succulents/cacti
Araucaria (norfolk island pine)
Callistemon (bottlebrush)

Campanula (bellflower, fairy-ear)

most Cissus (grape ivy, kangaroo ivy)
Citrus species
Clematis
Clivias
most Hederas (common ivy)
some types of Jasminum (Jasmine)
Kalanchoe blossfeldiana (Flaming Katy)
miniature roses
Olea (olive)
Passiflora (passion flower)
Plectranthus (swedish ivy)
Tolmiea
Yucca

And happy spring, everyone!

In Memoriam III

2010-03-29T10:25:00.000-05:00

Dearly beloved. We are gathered here to honor the memory of my latest assassinations. Take comfort in the knowledge that, in death, they serve a greater purpose... making room for more plants.

Roll call!

Adenium obesum - incurable and debilitating case of the uglies; also mealybugs

Nephrolepis exaltata - scale

Ficus pumila - mealy bugs

Schlumbergera NOID - ritual seppuku

Leptinella squalida - root nematodes

Plumera rubra - mauled to death

Microsorum diversifolium - scale

Jasminum sambac 'Belle of India' - thirst. This cultivar should really be called 'Candyass of India,' or perhaps 'Viola,' because it's a pansy. Yeah, that's right, I killed you and I'm NOT sorry. You were not well-suited to indoor culture. In fact, as a species, you Jasminums need to get your shit together! Until then, friendship cancelled.

If you would like to express your condolences, feel free to send me more plants. I'll be out, grieving. And shopping. For plants.

Mah Derpday!

2010-03-17T00:04:00.003-05:00

a birthday drawing of me, courtesy of boyfriend assassin

Stop! Tubertime.

2010-03-16T08:00:00.000-05:00

Just in case you were curious...

this is the difference between a typical colocasia and a typical alocasia tuber. neat, hanh?

I know the sign says "caladium," and in fact both tubers were labeled caladiums. But nope; I spoke someone who was working the booth, and he identified them. He also gave me REALLY good advice on the different ways to overwinter an alocasia!

Houseplanters of the World, Unite and Take Over.

2010-03-10T13:18:00.023-06:00

The Chicago Garden and Flower Show was fantastic once again. The venue was huge, the exhibits were lush, and the vendors were varied and fun. I got to converse with Cactus Bill of Ted's Nursery, the dip people were there, there were even packs of seeds in the press room... what more could a girl want?

Of course there were the greenscapers exhibits, where businesses show off their talent for garden, patio, and "water feature" design with interactive displays. The Shedd Aquarium, Garfield and Lincoln Conservatories, and Chicago Botanic Gardens also had beautiful walk-throughs to showcase their conifers, tropicals, and bonsai, respectively. The theme/concept this year was something goofy having to do with the theater, but it was kept to a tactful minimum. We can't forget why we're here, after all... the wine tasting! I mean the plants, the plants.

Flowering Nymphaea (noid) amongst some floating Pistia (noid)

Unfortunately, the "New Varieties" exhibit was less than exhilarating. I was anticipating wild hybrid Aglaonemas from Thailand and psycho Asiatica-caliber ferns. But alas, the selection was limited to the Ball horticultural company's latest dabblings in coleus and petunias. If I sound a little disappointed, I am. I mean, Jesus christ, I love coleus, but who cares about ANOTHER new one? Let's get some tropicals up in this bitch!

To be fair, the majority of attendees at this event are likely gardeners of the... um... garden variety, and not houseplant freaks like you and me. So perhaps I'm not the target market. And I'll admit that Petunia 'Sophistica Collection: Lime Bicolor' was pretty neat; I would party with that Petunia.

Ball's Petunia 'Lime Bicolor:' you and me, chilling at the Holiday Inn. Bring your friends.

I was also thoroughly surprised by the amount of tropical houseplants that were displayed as landscape material. Indoor gardener that I am, each of my plants feels very precious to me, and I take pains to keep them alive year after year. So it seems a bizarre practice indeed to plant a yard full of tender plants for summer, only to pull them up and throw them out in fall. And what Chicagoan in their right mind would plant a yardful of tropicals? What are you gonna do, store 'em all in your garage for the winter? I know that ultimately these displays were only for decorative effect, but let's keep it real people. Achmeas belong in conservatories or in pots, not en masse between your sprinkler and your grill:

Phalaenopsis orchids and calatheas in your yard? That'll look good for about, mmm, eight days:

Aphelandras (they know that these don't spread, right?):

A battalion of Sanseverias and Campanulas. Now, Campanula can be grown as a houseplant or a perennial groundcover, but you won't be seeing those Sans again in spring. Not around here, mon frere!

Primulas and Clivias. Primula is another houseplant that is commonly planted outdoors in the yard or in patio baskets, and then discarded in fall. Clivias, though? What would Thalassa Cruso say? Probably "Balderdash."

And now, the story you've been waiting for with baited breath: The Houseplant Competition! I wish I could have been there during opening weekend to see the judging. It would have been a delight to see all of the entries, but the winners were still interesting. Each division had its own table; here we see winners of the "Non-Flowering Plants" division (what is that begonia doing in there?).

The Araucaria excelsa looked small but pretty for an eight-year-old specimen; the judges gave it 3rd place and recommended turning to improve symmetry. Although the growth pattern of Araucarias is radially symmetrical, it can be difficult to see in a small specimen, so the issue isn't worth dwelling on, in my opinion. Likewise, choosing the Malpighia pendiculata for first place (far right) seemed odd, although it was well deserved of the Youth Horticultural Award, since its keeper was only ten years old. The orchids were seriously underrepresented:

The Cactus division had a couple of cuties, including this Ancanthocalycium thionanthum, which was awarded second place. The judges suggested was aesthetically overpotted, and again, I have to disagree. Why go smaller with such unique specimens?

The real ass-kicker was this Bowiea volubilis, which took Best in Show. I have never even felt an inkling of desire over a Bowiea, having previously regarded them as nothing more than botanical curiosities. But this plant (which was nine years old) blew my mind. I daresay it was pretty!

So I think the message is pretty clear: next year, we take over the horticultural competition! Given all the garden bloggers that attend this event, we could really bring in the noise. I want to see gesneriad lovers getting in fistfights, and cactus nuts chucking gymnocalyciums. Mr. Subjunctive could give a lecture on zombie-gardening while we spitball the landscapers. Then, we storm the Botanic Garden exhibit and take the bonsai collection hostage until someone agrees to validate our parking. Garden Show Smackdown 2011: Rumble At Navy Pier.

Photo credits for this post belong to Boyfriend Assassin, who was kind enough to take pictures while I zipped around making glee-noises.

The Chicago Flower and Garden Show

2010-02-27T12:53:00.005-06:00

Mark your calendars! It's gonna be rad! Get ready for gardening demonstrations, garden-design exhibitions, houseplant competitions, and lots and lots of dip.

The Chicago Flower and Garden Show

Personally, I'm looking forward to the "New Plant Varieties" event, which unveils the latest breeding improvements in popular plants. See you at Navy Pier, March 6-14.

Aggregate Freaks: The Orchid Show*

2010-02-23T00:34:00.015-06:00

The 2010 Chicago Suburban Orchid Show was amazing to behold. Here's a slew of photographs. Click on the red links to see attributions.

This sexy-ass orchid is named Vuyl Melissa Brianne 'Shady Lady' (HCC/AOS) (Illowa Orchid Society). I'd take this orchid home in a heartbeat... and I don't care if she is a shady lady. She's damn fine.

If you would rate yourself as 10/10 on a scale of "I'm the kind of person who loves plethoras," you may enjoy this Tolumnia variegata (Wisconsin Orchid Society).

If you intend to use your orchid to communicate with Mars (Chuck Ingram - Paphiopedilum Esquirolei).

My personal favorite orchid: Paph. micranthum 'Pink Cloud'

A big prizewinner... the kind of tropical-looking orchid that will help you Forget Sarah Marshall. (Calanthe Granville 'Cranberry' x Calanthe St. Iberria)

Maybe you're more of a Mini-Orchid person...

This paphiopedilum is a throwback to a style that has been out of vogue for many years. Nowadays, double-blooming paphs are the rage, and the blossoms are mainly quite petite. But this may be about to change! According to the pros at the Batavia Orchid Society, orchid growers in Britain are bringing back the giant Paphiopedilum trend. I, for one, think the results are phenomenal. (Chuck Ingram again)

This show was hosted by the Batavia Orchid Society. For a full list of exhibitors, please visit their website.

*Of course by "freaks" I mean the plants (these orchids are all crazy-ass mutants) but lord knows that orchid people are a strange and wonderful clan too. As for the aggregate, this also has a double meaning. First, the attendees were diverse; second, clay granular has hit orchid gardening in a big way. Clay granular (or aggregate) is a growing medium made of balls of expanded neutral clay. The benefits of using clay granular include its porosity, longevity, drainage capabilities, and more. Orchid growers seem to be using aggregate more and more as an addition to their soil mixes; some people grow in pure aggregate. Of course, this is not a new practice; growing plants in only aggregate materials is known as hydroculture. It's a type of hydroponic gardening that is excellent for growing houseplants. If you're thinking of trying your hand at houseplant hydroculture, definitely visit the website Water Roots. And good luck!

Gallons of Fun

2010-02-22T23:07:00.011-06:00

Today, boyfriend and I visited the Shedd Aquarium in Chicago. What does this have to do with you, and your houseplants? Well, aside from the amazing aquatic plant life...

...there were plenty of tropical species on display. The same tropical species, in fact, that you can grow in your living room! From every continent, the Shedd Aquarium has brought in plants to compliment their animal life. It's a great opportunity to see your favorite home or office specimen in a recreation of its original habitat. This dart frog vivarium, for instance, houses several well-known decorative plants. Of course, some moron kid had to go and stand in my picture. I know what you're thinking... children at a fun and interactive museum?!? How revolting. Those were my sentiments as well.

Many of us who love tropical plants are familiar with the use of these specimens as vivarium subjects... herpetology-supply websites like Black Jungle are popular sources for exotic plants. But you know, you really don't have to be a reptile hobbyist to enjoy terrariums. As with the old-fashioned Wardian case, terrariums are perfect for displaying dazzling tropical plants that need high humidity levels.

The truly surprising thing about the vivariums at the Shedd Aquarium is the the simplicity of their construction. Straying from complex recipes, the Shedd uses a simple three-layer system to provide circulation and drainage. In my mind, this setup would need regular dismantling and cleaning, because it lacks certain ingredients that inhibit algae. The need for good hygiene is only increased by the fact that there is animal life in these vivaria. But hey, these guys have been doing this sort of thing WAY longer than I. So, here endeth my critique.

Plenty of other household favorites can be found amidst the fishy life...

... although certain species eluded me. Does anyone recognize the bronzy plant with the venation in this picture (just above the water line)? My guesses include caladium and syngonium, but beyond that I haven't a clue.

With such a sea of classic plants spread before me (no pun intended), it makes me realize why pond gardens are so very popular in the southern states. Given the right zone, it wouldn't be difficult to replicate the Amazon river or lake Malawi in your own backyard! Of course, this raises questions about the ethics of harboring invaders species... but that's a topic for another post.

All told, the Shedd Aquarium is freaking awesome. Take a day trip whenever you can, to see your favorite houseplants in action! As active as they get, in any case.

Plant Surgery, Part Deux

2010-02-21T00:39:00.002-06:00

Well, the air-layering experiment (as described in a previous post) was a success. Within about six weeks of its procedure, our little patient produced a profusion of roots in mid-air. Severing the main stem just below these roots, I repotted the whole mess and crossed my fingers. Here you can see the schefflera several months post-op; things are progressing marvelously.

No more non elective surgery, kay lady?

Because the main stem was bent, I installed a rudimentary staking system. I realize that it looks ugly, but cheer up Scheffie! Only a few more months before your braces come off, and then you'll definitely get a date for the prom. Well, probably anyway. In the meantime, shut up and focus on your schoolwork.

The roots must have established themselves pretty solidly, because new growth is already on its way. This propagation procedure is a simple way to give rebirth to any beloved non-herbaceous houseplant. DO IT, I DARE YOU.

Breakfast Assassin

2010-02-15T19:10:00.004-06:00

Dear Rabid Fans;

Check me out today at the Chicago Brunch Blog. And see you this weekend at the Chicago Suburban Orchid Show and Sale, from 10-6 at the DuPage County Fairgrounds!

-NA

Cute cactus, Ugly cactus

2010-02-12T00:35:00.004-06:00

Ooooooh. Ahhhh. Astrophytum myriostigma, a.k.a. Star cactus.

This slow-growing cactus lives to a ripe old age, as far as houseplants are concerned. Happily for me, it tends to stay round and adorable rather than becoming columnar like many cacti; I prefer the rotund habit. Though some cultivars (and some members of the genus in general) may grow better when grafted, the Plain Jane species (A. myriostigma) is a tough cookie. Other common names include "Monk's Hood" and "Bishop's Miter," but let's face it: this little cactus is way too cute to be associated with clergy. Check out Cactus Art Nursery for more of this amazing species.

What else in cactus news? My Opuntia articulata has sprouted a new segment! It split right through the skin and sprang forth fully formed, like Athena from the head of Zeus! I'm really not being histrionic; it was already a freaky cactus before this happened.

Ew. Cool, but Ew.

Q+A

2010-02-07T17:13:00.013-06:00

Let me solve some commonly asked houseplant questions.

Q: Falling leaves, bare stems, no flowers... what's wrong with my goldfish plant (Nematanthus gregarius)?

A: The problem with your goldfish plant is that it is a goldfish plant. This problem can easily be resolved by never owning another goldfish plant.

Q: Why does my corn plant (Dracaena massangea) have brown tips?

A: Because you're using plain tap water instead of filtered/distilled water. Flush the soil to purge excess salts, and don't give it any more tap water.

RIP D. massangea

Q: I just bought a mother fern (Asplenium bulbiferum). Does it have any special care requirements?

A: Caring for your mother fern is easy. First, take your mother fern to the garbage. Then, throw it away. This treatment has a high test-retest reliability; it works every time.

RIP A. Bulbiferum

Q: Why do my cuttings keep failing?

A: The three most likely culprits are low humidity, low bottom heat, or unsterile media.

Q: My hoya has never been lush. It is sparse and ugly near the top of the pot, and it bothers me. What can I do?

A: The secret trick with hoyas is beer. The brand is irrelevant, so choose what you like. Secure a very large quantity; around 100 beers should do. Judiciously apply the beer to yourself, and you will find that you are no longer bothered by your ugly-ass hoya. This procedure can be repeated as necessary with ugly-ass hoyas.

Q: There's a moth orchid (Phalaenopsis) on the receptionist's desk at my salon/spa/gallery/doctor's office. It's not flowering anymore, and it seems soft and limp. What's wrong?

A: Overwatering. In such settings, decorative orchids tend to get watered too frequently and by too many people. It was probably planted in a dense or "slow" medium when it was purchased, meaning it has poor drainage. Excess water plus poor drainage equals overwatering and root rot, hence the soft leaves. Throw it away and buy a new one... this time give it better light and less water. Also, if you get your orchid from a reputable greenhouse instead of a big chain store, chances are good that it will be planted in a quality medium.

Q: My ivy (Hedera helix) looks a little crispy, and the leaves keep falling...

A: Spider mites.

Q: Really? Couldn't it be a watering problem?

A: It could be, but it's not. It's spider mites.

Q: But I don't see anything tha-

A: SPIDER. MITES.

RIP H. helix NOID

You No Can Has Dieffenbachia.

2010-01-27T12:19:00.004-06:00

Dear Kitties;

Don't eat the dieffenbachia. Egon, I'm talking to you specifically; I saw you tasting that this morning. Don't eat the the euphorbias, particularly the pencil cactus. Don't eat the adenium obesum, or the ricinus. They will kill you super-dead. You guys don't realize, because you're dumb, but I do so listen. I buy you cat grass every week and store the poisonous plants on high shelves for a reason. You can keep eating the pothos if you like, even though I'm pretty sure pothos causes a burning sensation in the mouth. If that's what floats your boat, go for it. You can even keep eating my beautiful Yucca elephantipes; I won't be mad. But stay away from the Shelf of Doom, you goddamn idiot fatmonkeys.

Sincerely,
The Management.

P.S. Vera, I don't know how you managed to 1) get inside 2) get STUCK inside my 30 gallon terrarium, but you did, and you wrought havoc on my seedlings. Be assured that we will discuss this little incident in our February budget meeting. I'll be removing the damages as "shrinkage" from your toy allowance.

I Think I Swallowed A Bug

2010-01-26T00:03:00.000-06:00

This is Sarracenia leucophylla 'Tarnok,' a small cultivar of the American Pitcher plant. Pitcher plants are one of the few popular houseplants that are native to North America, and certainly one of the rare carnivorous plants to come from this continent. Author and owner of California Carnivores nursery Peter D'Amato covers the amazing natural history of this species extensively in his book Savage Gardens.

And an unidentified Pinguicula, the Mexican Butterwort. Mine is from Mexico anyway; there are "Pings" from several different climes. They are also carnivorous, secreting special sticky liquids from their leaves when bugs land, then digesting them slowly. It is for this reason that I have given my Ping the same "The Almighty Sarlacc."

In their radially symmetrical shape, they also remind me of Nicholas Harberd's drawings of the thale-cress (Arabidopsis thaliana) in his excellent book Seed to Seed. As you can see, the flower stalk is already up, and the local gnat population is being decimated. The flowers are stunning; this picture was taken at night when the bloom first opened.

Because they eat bugs, Pings require little to no fertilization. One thing they do require is distilled water; tap water or even filtered water won't do.* Pings enter a dormant stage in winter whereupon their leaves become more succulent, and Sarracenias go completely dormant in winter. Mine haven't entered dormancy, but Peter D'Amato was kind enough to advise me in this regard. His suggestion was to keep my Ping slightly moist and allow it to change forms when it is ready; Sarracenias typically begin their growth cycle anew in February.

Last week it was orchids, this week it's carnivores. My plant love springs eternal.

*You can buy distilled water from your local grocery store; it is often kept with or labeled as "infant drinking water." One gallon should run you about one dollar.

How to Assassinate a Duck

2010-01-23T00:52:00.011-06:00

Ricinus communis, the Castor bean plant. Photos taken early morning...

And mid-afternoon.

This vigorous shrub requires full sun, lots of water, and lots of fertilizer. In summer it should be placed outdoors, where it may grow as much as 10 feet in a season. Watch out for the seed pods in fall, as they are extremely poisonous. According to Wikipedia, it takes 5 castor oil seeds to kill a sheep, but 80 to kill a duck. Who figures these things out? Mad scientists who are bored on sabbatical?

This isn't a particularly common houseplant, and it certainly can achieve an ugly, leggy habit indoors without proper care. Still, I couldn't resist that crazy Quinacridone-violet color. It's as lovely as a painting, and I can't wait for it to explode with growth this spring.

Orchids and Breakfast Foods

2010-01-19T16:37:00.011-06:00

Okay, I give up. My mystery accomplice was Carly Fisher of the Chicago Brunch Blog. I was thrilled when she agreed to indulge me and come along for plant shopping, because most of the time she accuses me of having an "old lady hobby." But as it turns out, Carly herself was a member of the Orchid Club at our university, and so she was more than happy to accompany me on a trip to an orchid farm. I guess we have even more in common than our mutual love of brunch, booze, and boys.*

But what did I buy? LOOK BELOW! Is that not the most bad-ass leaf you have ever seen? I thought so. It's some type of Oncidium orchid, but exactly which I'm not sure. When I was checking out, I got distracted by the *CHA-CHING* sound of my money vaporizing out of existence, and I forgot to get a care-tag for it. In any case, an employee managed to find an older specimen in flower, and as I vaguely remember it was darling. I don't care; it's the leaves that make it wonderful.

What else? At a different store I managed to snap up a gorgeous Alocasia "Kapit." The leaves are thick, dark, and glossy like the Lacquer plant (Piper magnificum), but it keeps a prettier habit and sports a dazzling red glitter in the leaves. It's much brighter in person, but if you click the photo you can still see it plainly.

More soon!

*And girls. And kittens, and Baraka, and world peace, and dirty, dirty Alexander Skarsgard.

Who Is That Ravishing Creature?

2010-01-19T15:46:00.006-06:00

Why it's Paphiopedilum bellatulum 'Fox Valley,' of course. Just one of the many orchids you can find at Orchids By Hausermann in Villa Park. I realize that I just mentioned this greenhouse in my last post, but what can I say? I'm going through a phase. The folks at Hausermann were kind enough to let me snap and publish some photos of their operation.

Rare orchids are their specialty, apparently, and you will certainly find some two-inch gems with hundred-dollar price stickers. But luckily, the sheer number and variety of orchids they carry means you WILL find something to take home, regardless of your funds or level of experience. I think that I'm currently about a level 25 Orchid Paladin (my coven meets on Sundays in the basement of a local greenhouse, where we drink goblets of Mountain Dew "Code Red" and play for Orchid Master points. All are welcome - please BYO multi-sided dice).

There is a huge palette of colors at Hausermann, and delicious smells abound.

The constant rotation of blooms renders every greenhouse into a tiny paradise.

And who is THIS ravishing creature? You'll find out soon enough.

10 Plants for 2010, Part Deux

2010-01-09T10:50:00.010-06:00

Welp! Here are the next five plants on my list. These plants are all part of my new years resolution, to fully enjoy nature within my home, and expand my capacity for botanical awe. That may or may not be a zen way of saying "I resolve to buy a shitload of houseplants this year... again."

1) Paphiopedilum 'Shadow Magic X.' This is my first paphiopedilum, a very young and lovely cross between Paph 'Black Stallion' and Paph 'Starr Beam.' Allaying my previous fear that Paphs would be difficult orchids to care for, this little beauty easily adapted to terrarium life and seems radiant with satisfaction. I was able to purchase this specimen relatively cheaply because it is so small... it will likely be several years before it sends up its first bloom. But who cares?! The foliage is wonderful all on its own.

2) Vriesea splendens. A wholly common bromeliad by virtue of its uncommon good looks. Though the flower spike is delightful, it is unfortunately the flag that heralds the imminent death of the plant. After flowering, bromeliads slowly decline and die... luckily they typically produce several identical pups during this period. So, I get to enjoy this plant for several more months, and then hopefully, propagate it long into the future.

3) Plumeria alba (or possibly rubra). Yes, I paid good money for a four-foot stick. Listen though - plumerias are really cool plants, with or without their famous flowers. See for yourself at the Tourism Thailand blog! So, when I came upon this plant sitting alone on a table the the Missouri Botanic Garden shop, I didn't see just an ugly stick. I saw potential! This was the argument I put towards the Garden employees: First, this plant is looks crappy, and you want to get rid of of. Second, this plant looks crappy, but I want to take it from you. Shortly thereafter, I took home a plumeria at about 30% of the original cost. So, we all got what we wanted... especially the plumeria, which will now get a shot at redemption in the Nature Assassin home infirmary. Hang in there lil' feller, spring's comin!

4) Phalaenopsis 'Balinese Splendor.' This orchid and the previous paph orchid were both purchased at the greenhouse of Orchids By Hausermann, Inc. Though their online catalog is quite comprehensive, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to visit a large-scale orchid farm in person, and once there I couldn't resist the urge to spend all my money. But hey, you visit a greenhouse like Hauserman, and try not to fall in love with an orchid or twelve!

5) Neoregelia 'Kimberly.' Both of the bromeliads featured here were found at Ahner's Garden and Gifts in St. Louis, Missouri. Ahner's has the distinction of being 'mah favorite greenhouse evah.' Aside from the rich, fertile, spa-like atmosphere, they have a great staff and a great collection of plants. Aside from the big palms and other impressive interiorscaping plants, they also offer lots of indoor plants in small pots at very modest prices. This is a kindness for the murderous hobbyist like myself, who cannot often afford to drop $300 on a plant that could give up the ghost the minute it gets back chez moi. Also, their selection rotates enough that one can occasionally find unusual wonders like this Neoregelia cultivar.

10 Plants for 2010

2010-01-04T14:40:00.012-06:00

10 New Plants to ring in the New Year! Here I will present 5... the next 5 to come in a following post.

1) Abutilon striatum 'Thompsonii' (aka A. pictum 'Thompsonii'). This is an orange-flowering variety of Abutilon, the Parlor Maple, with beautiful foliage as an added bonus. The variegation in the leaves is apparently caused by a virus, which is purposefully maintained through propagation. Fast growth, the ability to survive low humidity levels, and tolerance of a variety of light/temperature situations makes Abutilon a popular plant for indoor culture. I'll guess I'll find out soon enough if it deserves its popularity. Being a beautiful, rampant, ass-kicking grower of a plant and also victim of strange science, I have decided to dub my Abutilon "River Tam."

2) Calathea insignis (aka C. lancifolia), the Rattlesnake plant. Calatheas are tricky due to their incredible humidity requirements. It may be wishful to believe that I can make this plant survive a heated indoor winter, but try I must. I fell in love with this type of Calathea for its patterned leaves and deep burgundy leaf-undersides at the Garfield Conservatory (see this post). I was therefore delighted and surprised to find it at for sale at Rolling Ridge Nursery in Webster Groves, Missouri. Its only natural that this plant would be rare on store shelves, because it isn't well suited to anything but greenhouse life. It needs high heat, but detests hot draughts. It needs fresh air, but detests cold draughts. It needs high light, but detests direct sun. It needs lots of water and humidity, but detests overly wet roots. So, quite reasonably, I am enjoying owning this plant even though visions of plant murder dance in my head. As Dexter would say, "Do I see plastic sheets in your future?"

3) Senecio macroglossus 'Variegatus,' the Wax Ivy (or Cape Ivy) plant. Looks just like some kind of Hedera, doesn't it? But what ho! A squish-squish of the leaves between your fingers reveals that they are thick and succulent. This feature makes Senecio an excellent winter alternative to traditional ivies, or as I like to call them, "Old Country Spidermite Buffet." Senecio can tolerate shade or direct sun, medium or high humidity, and normal to cool room temperatures in winter. This plant, as well as the following plant and the Abutilon, were purchased from the incredibly sexy Bowood Farms in St. Louis.*

4) x Fatshedera lizei 'Aureamaculata." This plant has several goofy common names, my favorites being "Botanical Wonder" and "Fat-headed Lizzy." As the "x" in the name implies, this plant is a cultivated cross that combines the best features of its parents, Hedera (common Ivy) and Fatsia (Castor-oil plant). By all accounts, Fatshedera is a simple foliage plant, valued for its tolerance of poor growing conditions. Simple though it may be, the foliage of 'Aureamaculata' is anything but dull; in fact the variegation is transparent enough that it seems to glow from within. I find it very visually arresting.

5) And speaking of arresting, call the Boring Plant Police! Lithops optica 'Rubra' is running amok! That is sarcasm - this plant does nothing whatsoever. Lithops, or Living Stones plant, wants nothing in life but to be left alone... they can spend 20 years just hanging out before they will even fill a six inch pot, or so I've been told. My interest in this plant was piqued for the very first time when I saw this variety, 'Rubra,' at the much-touted Ted's Greenhouse in Tinley Park, Illinois. The beautiful wine-red color was unlike anything I'd ever seen in a succulent. They were being propagated and were not actually for sale, but being the freak that I am, I demanded that somebody sell me some. A gracious employee finally conceded two specimens for a hefty price, and I carried them home like precious jewels.

*I'm pretty sure, at this point, that Missouri has the best collection of commercial greenhouses in the Midwest. Especially when one considers my favorite, Ahner's Garden and Gifts.

Also...

2009-12-14T16:22:00.004-06:00

I forgot to mention that all of the photos here on the Nature Assassin blog are now linked to their larger counterparts on Picasa. So click away for seven glorious megapixels of detail! That's right, SEVEN!

Ok, so seven isn't that many, but it still looks cool enlarged.

Update Schmupdate

2009-12-14T14:40:00.005-06:00

Yes, the season of suck-ass has begun here in the Midwest. If it weren't for holiday lights, Chicago would look like The Swamps of Sadness. You know what I'm talking about.

Thank god for our beloved tropical and/or evergreen plants! If you can't get any place equatorial, then its time to hit your local greenhouses, conservatories, or any closed ecological system to get a good humanizing dose of plant life. I don't know about you, but when I see lush greenery and smell warm, humid dirt, I feel totally renewed.

New pink bracts on an Anthurium

New growth on Leptinella squalida 'Platt's Black'

New leaves on Monstera deliciosa

And then there are, of course, terrariums. What could be better than a whiff from your own miniature biosphere? Unless of course you're growing a lush crop of botyritis, which doesn't have the greatest smell, as I have discovered. But I digress. Look, gametophytes!

And moss! The arrow on your left indicates some unidentified volunteer spikemoss (selaginella), and the arrow on the right points to new growth from cultivated Kyoto moss. The rest is algae, which is doing terrifically well considering that I am making every effort to kill it. Don't worry, algae, as soon as I get my hands on some Physan, it will be your turn for a dose of delicious murder.

Well, that's all for now. Here's hoping that your houseplants are bringing you lots of happiness.

Dirty Book Club, Pt. 2

2009-12-12T20:28:00.005-06:00

Title: The Complete Book of Cacti & Succulents: The definitive practical guide to cultivation, propagation, and display

Author: Terry Hewitt

Published: 1993, Dorling Kindersley Limited

Format: Lightly laminated and GODDAMN GIANT, this book does not mess around when it comes to cactus know-how. The cacti and succulents that the book covers (there are approximately 1000 A.S.* of said specimens) are not organized into little tidbits of repetitive categorical rhetoric; instead they are each discussed in their own paragraph. Informational organization is sacrificed for just a few precious nuggets of highly specific advice, and in addition to the plant profiles, there are many chapters dedicated to the history and biology of cacti and succulents.

Pictures: THEY RULE. If there are any categorical errors in this book, then 1) whatev because Terry Hewitt knows a lot more about this stuff than do I, and 2) I don’t care because even if they’re wrong, the pictures still FUCKING RULE.

Nominal organization: Like I said… randomly arranged. It is alphabetical by Latin name, thank Jesus.

Plant background info: Sweet! There’s random inclusion about the history and geographical origin of any particular plant. The radical part is the segment titled “Anatomy and Discovery,” which spans pages 10-25.

Plant care info: Like I SAID.

Display/decoration info: Just right.

OVERALL GRADE: A

Notes: Could be better organized and give more information on each plant ; pictures are spectacular and format has great appeal. Get it! It will be an awesome book to peruse in many, many situations.

*AS.; ass-loads.

Dirty Book Club, Pt. 1

2009-11-01T11:16:00.010-06:00

I'm going to review some of the houseplant books I've come across. Criteria such as format, organization, and ability to withstand a potting-bench accident will be considered.

Title: The Easy-Care Guide to Houseplants

Author: Jack Kramer

Published: 1999, Creative Homeowner Press

Format: Lightly bound and lightly laminated, this text is not universally durable enough for the greenhouse/lab. Also, the giant format means that it doesn't look quite as stately in the bookshelf as, say, your clothbound collected works of Shakespeare. Basically, it's ugly and has that ultra-90's look.

Pictures: It may not be a pretty book, but at least the pictures are of good quality. Carefully staged, the plant identification photos and the how-to photos are helpful and attractive. I must add that it seems funny to see a hand-model with a perfect old-school french manicure demonstrating the propagative method of "division." How does she keep her hands so clean?!?!

Nominal organization: OH MY GOD IT'S ATROCIOUS. Be forewarned that here is no way to un-see the taxonomical horrors you will see in this book. Plants are grouped by "Family Common Names," "Family Scientific Names," and the subdivided in non-alphabetical order by common name... and that's just the beginning of the goat-roap. Scindapsus argyraeus is listed under the Begonia family as "Watermelon Begonia." Curious as to what happened to the original S. argyraeus, I flipped to the section on Aroids and found a picture of Peperomia argyreia listed with the Epipremnums under the name "Satin Pothos." The ferns are a goddamn mess. After reading the orchid IDs, I wanted to find everyone associated with this book, slap them with a glove, and challenge them to a duel. Meanwhile, I know relatively nothing about orchids and this Kramer fellow is supposedly an expert. Finally, as you could have guessed, the common names which they use to categorize the plants are an entropic maelstrom of self-contradiction. I could go on about the tomfuckery, but why?

Plant background info: There is some, but it's basically shortened for purposes of coffee table reading or bathroom reading. This isn't the Kew Garden's Definitive Guide to Whatever, it's a light read published by the Creative Homeowner Press. They probably do a similar volume on decoupage. I'll let it go.

Plant care info: Good. The sections on pests/disease, propagation, and maintenance are pretty comprehensive (how many houseplant books cover things like beneficial syrphid flies? Brownie points for obscure info). They even have a great tutorial on building your own growing stand for shop lights... pictures of the manicured hand-model goin' at it with a handsaw are sadly absent.

Display/decoration info: Too much. If I wanted to know how to use houseplants to turn my living room into a fake-ass Reconstruction-era parlor, I'd buy a book on interior design.

OVERALL GRADE: C+

HAPPY HALLOWEEN BISHES!

2009-10-31T12:38:00.005-05:00

(Click to enlarge)

The Greater Good!

2009-10-27T16:07:00.014-05:00

Problems happen with our houseplants. You know, it, I know it. This time of year, when we're dealing with issues of humidity, temperature, pests, etc., we have to think about optimizing our conditions, getting creative with our solutions, and cutting our losses. Got any maidenhair ferns? Got central heat? Then I've got news... your fern is as good as dead. Don't freak out! Maybe you can find a cloche or a suitable terrarium. Maybe you can give them away. Or, if you're me, maybe you can throw those fuckers out and find a fern that is more compatible with your indoor habitat. When a threat, sickness, or general weakness is detected, it pays to consider The Greater Good. Here's a few of my current problem plants.

Epipremnum aureum "Marble Queen," suffering shock from change of temperature and light. If you keep pothos outside during the summer, like I do, you can expect to see some leaf shed as they re-adjust to indoor conditions. It's normal. Yellow leaves will not recover and also invite pests; trim them. THE GREATER GOOD!

Phototropism in a N. exaltata "Emina." This results from low light levels or single-direction light. Moving the plant closer to a window or simply rotating the pot every week should solve this problem.

Musa acuminata "Novak." Dead lower growth likely due to cold draught exposure and dry air.

Citrus meyeri suffering from underwatering. Well, not so much "suffering from" as "dead from." I've already thrown them away. THE GREATER GOOD!

Defolation in Adenium obesum due to cold exposure and transplant shock; A. obesums occasionally go dormant in the winter when conditions fluctuate. Don't panic if you lose all your leaves... hold back on the watering and wait for spring.

All Growed Up

2009-10-21T22:58:00.015-05:00

One of the other great things about visiting a garden conservatory is that you have the opportunity to see older or larger specimens of some of your own plants, or plants you may have considered buying. Think of my excitement, for example, when the Garfield Conservatory desert house yielded mature specimens of three plants I recently brought home.

Agave funkiana (here labeled A. lopantha poselgeri)

Aeonium arboreum variety atropurpurea (possibly "Schwarzkopf")

Crassula perforata

And these are my new plants. In the back is the Agave funkiana, which I now know will get bigger, but not nearly as big as A. americana. Which is fine.... I don't have much room for giant spiny plants, and I'm glad to see that A. funkianas retain their beautiful blue hue into maturity.

On the left is my Crassula "Babies Necklace." This variety won't get as tall as the C. perforata at the conservatory, but at least I have a better idea of what to expect. In fact, I think I'm happier, because a dwarf variety like mine should retain the lovely colors, but stay more densely clothed with leaves. Compact plants are usually more attractive than leggy ones.

Finally, the Aeonium arboreum atropurpurea on the right is teeny-weeny compared to the specimen at the conservatory, which really puts the "arbor" in "arboreum." I can't wait for mine to get that big... although it will certainly require some waiting. These guys aren't exactly sprinters when it comes to growth indoors.

Other comparison photos...

Sansevieria gracilis

My Sansevieria ballyi. The habits are different, but the offshoots develop similarly.

Cotyledon tomentosa

My C. tomentosa at home. So I guess that I can expect C. tomentosa to get taller and leggier with time, eventually becoming a shrubby clump. Not the prettiest thing for indoor display, but it could be worse. Take, for example, Kalanchoe tomentosa...

Yuck! I knew there was a reason why I always pass these up. Yes, they're furry and soft, and like many succulents they are adorable in their young age. But give them time and care, and they will reward you by turning into a bunch of ragged sticks! This also applies to Chamaedorea metallica...

I keep almost buying on of these palms (come on, it has "Metallica" right there in the name) but then I hesitate. Now, after visiting the Garfield Conservatory, I'm glad I waited. Pretty though the foliage may be, the passage of time does not improve the attractiveness of the growth habit. It looks... sort of boring and unstable. I think I'll shift my desires for a palm tree onto a variety that develops a bigger trunk.

Of course, if you are curious about how your plants will look when they mature, there are easier ways. Google is expedient (if often wrong) and Dave's Garden has a pretty comprehensive database of facts and pictures. But actually standing in the presence of an old, vigorous specimen... well it's kind of like standing in front of a painting that you've only ever seen in photographs, isn't it? There's a kind of mesmerizing quality to being thrown into the shade of a towering Bird of Paradise or Coconut palm and realizing that this is what your houseplants were born to do. When I come home, it makes me pat my little plants reassuringly and say, "that'll do, palm."

But not you, Kalanchoe tomentosa. You got NO kinda potential.

The Garfield Conservatory...

2009-10-21T22:44:00.010-05:00

... RULES!!

A sister facility to the Lincoln Park Conservatory, the Garfield Conservatory is a free institute located on the southwest side of Chicago. They have some truly amazing plants, and their brilliant interiorscaping turns a simple meandering walk into an escape to tropical heaven! They even have some rare Cuban specimens that were brought over before the embargo. Of course, I'd skip their most valuable palm to take home just one of their crazy little staghorn ferns. The children's room was a nice touch, and their special exhibit on the production of glucose had a spread of tiny homegrown bananas to sample! The bananas were delicious, and vaguely floral compared to the standard grocery store variety. Aside from a noticeable outbreak of whitefly in the fern room, this collection is immaculately maintained and contains quite a bit of history. I look forward to going again.

Fearful symmetry on a Calathea lancifolia

Patterns of Calathea musaica

Philodendron melanochrysums big enough for Bjork to wear to the Grammys

Fittonia verschaffeltiis as big as your head!

Guzmania "Sir Albert"

Garfield conservatory has Guz-Mania!

An incredible Stapelia gigantea flower

Crosiers across a pond

Beautiful mosses and Adantiums in the fern room

A very provocative Cycad organ

The painterly colors of Victoriae-reginae aurea

And that's all for now!

If It's Not Love, Then It's the Frond That Will Bring Us Together

2009-10-13T21:14:00.012-05:00

I'm really on a kick with "fronds" punned into popular songs, aren't I? Well, at least I haven't used any "Seabiscuit" metaphors lately. I mean, it is a bitchin' movie, but anyway.

Some random updates: "Mystery Red Fern" is still putting out new fronds, despite the fact that my relative humidity in the plant room recently dropped from 73% down to 40% percent in the last 3 days. The new growth on this fern is always the prettiest part.

Tall crosier

Lower crosier

And speaking of pretty...

This is the beginning of a bloom on Tillandsia (noid)! How exciting. I've been watering via submersion up until this point, as per the great tips I got at this page on Web Indexes. Now I'll obviously have to try something else.

It's getting hot in here, so take off all your fronds

2009-10-11T12:43:00.010-05:00

It's getting to be winter, folks, and that is an inevitable fact. For those of us in northern climes, the heat's kicking on and the humidity is plummeting, which makes our beloved indoor plants very sad. They will slow down new growth, shed old growth, and stop flowering. Ferns will start to look crappy and ficus trees will weep. Previously unseen pest populations can explode. Some plants will go dormant in order to adjust, and others will simply limp along until spring. But this doesn't mean your plant habit must also go dormant; there are plenty of fantastic things to do indoors in this season. Here's a few ideas.

Buy winter-flowering plants. If you need your monthly fix of inflorescence, there are options. Cyclamen, schlumbergera, and many other commonly available houseplants can be purchased in flower, or will naturally flower during winter months.

Force some bulbs. "Forcing" is the term for getting a bulb to flower in an off-season. I prefer to think of this process as "encouraging" rather than "forcing," because if I have learned anything about plants it's that they can't be forced to do anything. Rather, we can only create the conditions that plants prefer, and hope that they flourish. Many bulbs such as freesia, hyacinth and amaryllis will flower indoors, but creating these appropriate conditions can take weeks of chilling and storage in darkness. If you have less time and inclination, buy pre-started bulbs or simply go with the easiest of all bulbs, Narcissus papyraceus. Also known as Paperwhites, these bulbs are both common and classic, with no special preparation needed. They can be obtained without great expense at any garden store, and will root in water and most decorative mediums (pebbles, glass beads, etc.)

I know it's a lump right now, but soon it will be awesome

Adopt flowerless orchids. Big box stores and many greenhouses have a consistent supply of orchids which have been forced into flower. However, when the first or second flush of orchid blooms fade, these plants lose the bulk of their retail value. Because it takes time and space (which equals money) to encourage an orchid to re-bloom, growers often throw their flowerless orchids away to make room for more valuable stock. So much the better for us! Armed with the know-how to encourage another flowering, we can now have those pricey orchids we might otherwise pass up. If you have a good local greenhouse, ask them if they have any flowerless orchids on sale. In this exact fashion, a friend and I recently acquired some phalaenopsis orchids from a local greenhouse for almost 90% off the ticket price. The waiting can be the best part... the leaves may indicate which type of orchid you're getting, but until you can convince it to re-bloom, the color of your orchid will be a delightful mystery.

Pick up some cacti. When it comes to the dry warmth of heated indoor spaces, few plants will be happier than cacti and succulents. See upcoming posts for more on these delightful little freaks.

Congratulations, You're Ugly

2009-10-11T02:21:00.012-05:00

Part One: Last night, an interesting topic came up in conversation: the World's Ugliest Dog competition. Most of you will likely be familiar with the competition because of Sam, the legendary paragon of ugly and competitive dogs. I myself am partial to runner-up Munchkin, however, because Munchkin proves that you can be unanimously voted as ugly and still have faith in humanity. Look at her face; that is the face of a repugnant cur, but a super happy one. She obviously feels as if she's very pretty, so more power to her. Go Munchkin!

Part Two: On Saturday, my friend Julia and I took a voyage out to visit Ted's Greenhouse once again, and came across a cactus called Opuntia articulata, the Paper Spine cactus. It is, without a doubt, the ugliest plant I have ever seen. It's an ugly gray lump, and the spines are soft and pathetic. This plant is not ill or malformed in any way - in fact it is in perfect health. Just as it is, by the grace of nature, it looks the way it does. If I were this cactus, I would call up Nature and say, "Hey, Nature. Thanks for giving me the Super-Ugly gene, bee-otch. Peace out."

However, as you may be able to tell from the first part of this story, I can appreciate something that is fuck-ugly as long as it is confidently so. So, O. articulatus had to come home with me. I think it's interesting and hilarious, and it has the perfect color for winter. Imagine it sitting alongside the jarrahdale pumpkins with me this fall. Hooray Opuntia!

So, do you have a houseplant that could compete with Opuntia articulata?

Plant Surgery, Antietam-Style

2009-09-21T22:08:00.012-05:00

This weekend I acquired my first Schefflera. In it's previous life as a bonsai, it was performing poorly and headed for disposal when my friend Julia came upon it. It was graciously donated to me.

As you can see, this bonsai habit is what we technically call "jacked up." And it's no wonder... the roots are cemented into the pot by a top-layer of gravel and glue, as big box stores often do with bonsai for some inexplicable reason. Nonetheless, it is perfect for one thing: pyrotechnics.

What? Pyrotechnics? No, just kidding. What I really meant was Air Layering.

Air layering is a propagation method. Air-layering requires some labor and patience, but it's a great way to revive a plant that has become tall, top-heavy, or bare along the trunk. It works with specifically non-herbaceous or woody plants. The process allows new subterranean roots to grow in the air along the stem. This is achieved by partially severing the main stem/trunk and then tricking it into thinking it's underground. When the new roots have grown sufficiently, you can sever the trunk, and ta-da! New plant, ready for potting. Here's how.

Assemble your Air-Layering tools:

A small, sharp, sterilized knife*

A clean paintbrush*

Rooting hormone powder

Long-fiber sphagnum moss (one handful)

Plastic wrap

Tape or twist-ties

*Always use clean tools. This is modern amateur plant surgery, not Civil War whack-a-limb. Have you been feeding whiskey to your schefflera-patient as well? For shame.

Okay. Step one. Using your knife, take an angular incision along the stem of the plant at the desired height. Make sure there is a leaf node (or adventitious root protrusion, if applicable) above the cut. Remove any intermediate leaves, leaving a bundle of the topmost growth. Angle the cut upward so that you have separated (but not removed) a small flap of stem tissue. What you are cutting is called a "tongue," so that may give you an idea of what it should look like. Also, the cut should be shallow- less than halfway through the stem, or the upper portion will die.

Step two. Brush the cut with rooting hormone powder.

Step three. Get your sphagnum, and moisten it with clean water. Squeeze out the excess. Wrap the wad of sphagnum around the cut as if you were dressing a wound with a bandage.

Step four. Take your plastic, and wrap it around the sphagnum bandage. Secure it in place with your tape. All done! Give your plant a little pat-pat, and resume regular watering in a few days.

Holy crap! That was so easy and enjoyable. Now just keep the dressing evenly moist, and you should expect to see roots forming after a few months. Water from the top of the dressing, with a dropper or something similar, rather than opening the dressing and inviting bacteria. Wait until you see roots through the plastic before you remove it. Then you can sever the stem just below the roots (don't leave too much extra; it will rot) and plant in the smallest suitable container.

Good luck!

A Medley of Extemporanea

2009-09-21T21:35:00.009-05:00

Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song;
a medley of extemporanea;
And love is a thing that can never go wrong;
and I am Marie of Romania.

-Dorothy Parker, 1925

I was reminded of this poem today, when I discovered two things. First, my Euphorbia tirucalli cutting showed its first signs of new growth!

And in a glorious cycle of song, my cat cleanly removed all the new growth from my Aloe parvula "Jacobsonii."

How karmic. One more pertinent Parker quote; asked to use the word "horticulture" in a sentence, Parker immediately replied, "You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think." Next time, I will think before I move my plants.

Cheap ideas!

2009-09-15T21:06:00.008-05:00

Just a few ideas to maximize your houseplant enjoyment, totally free.

1) Calibrate a hygrometer. Based on this excellent how-to article for cigar humidors, you too can turn your crappy analog hygrometer into a tool of fastidious precision! If you don't have a hygrometer, this is still a "cheap idea," because they are inexpensive and available at most hardware stores.

2) Save your favorite glass bottles and start propagating! It is definitely auspicious to have some tribute to PeeWee, the patron saint of vibrant homes.

3) Clean some humidifiers in preparation for the coming onslaught. If you plan to have one or several humidifiers running this winter for the benefit of your houseplants, it's wise to get familiar with the humidifier-disinfecting process. Otherwise your home will rapidly become redolent of Mrs. Whoever's third grade class fish tank. You know what I mean. If you are using a warm-mist humidifier (tut tut) don't forget to finish with a bleach dilution.

4) Pick up an interesting plant book from your local library.

5) Get creative with plants you already have. Try making a bonsai or topiary out of something unusual. I'm currently attempting to train a sansevieria to have curly tips. Think it'll work?

-NA

Renegade Craft Fair

2009-09-14T16:31:00.011-05:00

The Renegade Craft Fair Chicago-stop took place this past weekend in Wicker Park. I imagine that it's sort of like the Renaissance Fair, but replaces the theme "ye old cosplay" with "hipsters, irony, and felt." I attended with three of my craftiest associates, and we were unanimously amazed. But what of the plants, in particular?

Well, you'd be surprised at how many people were using plants as display-enhancement. Pots of succulents were scattered about trays of homemade buttons and resin barrettes. Little tufts of moss held delicate hand-made jewelry (sadly all the moss I encountered was fake... it is possible to keep pads of moss alive for this purpose). One station was even selling tiny crassula offshoots in film canisters, for a not-so-tiny price. Asking the vendor if I could take a photo, I overheard a fashionable fairgoer looking at these pots and exclaiming, "Ugh, this jade stuff is so popular right now."

I think I see a "Gollum" in there

This gave me the chuckles. Really? Popular like colored wayfarers are popular? I know that propagating your own plants is DIY and awards you eco-points (the indie-kid Holy Grail), but I had no idea it was in vogue. Do people go into Bucktown bars with their jade plants and their neck-bandanas, and make the other patrons say, "Well, we were bringing jade around here before all these other poseurs"? For goodness' sake! Stick to growing tomatoes and weed, like normal hipsters.

Anyway. There was one vendor there that I thought was particularly wonderful: Photosynthesis. Here is a screenprinting artist who loves ferns and wants to shout her love from the rooftops, which I can get behind. Needless to say, the "Fern and Ginkgo Silk Skirt" is on the christmas list.

-NA

Just for Aesthestics

2009-09-14T09:23:00.004-05:00

Top-dressing Clever Girl

2009-09-08T14:15:00.016-05:00

As promised, here is an experiment that grew from a conversation I had with one of the employees/Plant Wizards of Pesche's greenhouse.

The problem: I recently acquired a Cyathea cooperi (Australian tree fern) in a ten inch pot. I will be attempting to keep it alive indoors this winter. Internet research has yielded unto me that Cyatheas are very heavy feeders, often receiving monthly emulsions of things like blood and bone meal when grown outdoors in warm climates. Being a prehistoric plant covered in sharp scales and feasting on blood and bones, Boyfriend settled on a name for our tree fern: Clever Girl.

But what to feed Clever Girl? I refuse to pour out repugnant, smelly emulsions in my apartment. And being in a pot, the concentration and administration of said grossness would need to be adjusted. Also, pot culture also lacks a much of the soil bacteria that tree ferns enjoy, and how would I account for that with fertilizer? The good folks at Pesche's had an interesting suggestion: Espoma's Biotone.

Biotone is a fertilizer medium that helps transplants survive. It contains small amounts of all the aforementioned gross things, including the bacteria. Now, I couldn't figure out exactly what kinds of bacteria tree ferns need, so this could be as pointless as fertilizing with Brawndo, the Thirst Mutilator (it's got what ferns crave! bacteria!). Nevertheless, Plant Wizard seemed pretty confident about it, and I trust him. I have never used this product before, and so I am not endorsing it in any way. Yet.

Here's what it looks like. It stinks a wee bit.

Plant Wizard and I also realized that, being a fertilizer medium, Biotone could be applied as a top-dressing. Now we're back to the fun stuff.

LADY, WHAT IS TOP-DRESSING? WHY DO I CARE?

Top dressing is a technique used to deliver fresh, un-compacted, nutrient-rich soil to plants that are too big and heavy to repot. You should care because you've probably got some miserable dracaenas laying around the home or office, in huge pots, that haven't had a soil change in fifty years. You make me sick.

Here's how to top-dress!

Step 1: Assemble your tools. You will need a toothpick or skewer, a disposable spoon, an empty container, and (depending on the size of the plant) several cups of your medium-of-choice. I used about 1 1/2 cups of Biotone, as per package directions.

Step 2: Using your spoon, scrape the first couple of inches of topsoil off your plant. Don't break up any roots, if you can help it. Dump the loose soil into the container.

scrape scrape

Step 3: Check the loosened soil and the exposed soil surface of your plant. Bugs? Fungus? Bad smells?

Step 4: Take your skewer and give the exposed soil a good stabbos. This will aerate the old, compacted soil.

Step 5: Pour on your potting medium and spread it out evenly. Make sure you're not burying any stems, vines, or new growth, and never bury the crown of ferns or rosette-forming plants.

Lovely! Top-dressing accomplished. You can top-dress your behemoth potted specimens every spring as a substitute for potting-up, and you might consider simply repotting if you can lift them. Technically, repotting is different from potting-up in that it constitutes pruning the roots, changing the soil, and then putting the plant back into a container of the original size. Repotting is ideal for plants that we intend to grow slowly or plants whose size we intend to control (i.e. bonsai and large indoor plants). Potting-up means placing a plant into a larger container where it will have room to grow larger. For the purposes of this blog, however, I often use "repotting" to mean repotting and potting-on, because I am reproachably lazy.

Anyway. Updates on Clever Girl will be provided.

*Jurassic Park photo: http://thepensblog.blogspot.com/

Overwintering your Alocasia

2009-09-07T10:35:00.011-05:00

Many greenhouses around the Midwest were selling big Alocasias (a.k.a. Persian Palm, Giant Elephant Ear plant, or Taro) this summer out with their annual and perennial garden bounty. They're related to your common African Mask plant (Alocasia amazonica), but bigger. They come in a variety of styles, all lending a distinctly exotic/tropical feel to American gardens. Here in Chicago, you've probably seen them a lot this summer in storefront garden arrangements. They also make awesome houseplants!

Alocasia calidora, March 2008

But what about winter? In some places in the United States, Alocasias can be allowed to die back to the bulb during winter and successfully return in spring. They will not survive hard frosts or temperatures in the teens, however, so in the more northernly latitudes, this is not an option. The assumption is that, like most of our summer garden plants, we will simply throw them away.

Alocasia (portadora?) in Rogers Park

But you don't have to! Alocasias are cumbersome, finicky plants, but it is possible to keep them alive until next summer. Here's some tips for overwintering your Alocasia. Coincidentally, this is a perfect opportunity to talk about prepping all houseplants for the indoor winter.

Acclimatization is the name of this game. With any tropical plant that lives outdoors for the summer, the process of moving indoors can be stressful. Changes in light (strength, direction, photoperiod, etc.), changes in humidity, changes in air circulation... try to keep these things in mind when choosing a place for your plant indoors. You want to mimic the conditions to which they have become accustomed, a.k.a. acclimatize them to the new situation. Sometimes I like to start early (before cold temperatures necessitate a sudden move) by bringing my plants indoors for a day or two at a time, then back out to their previous spots. Some people will reasonably argue that the extra moving stresses the plants, but I believe acclimatization is most effective when it happens gradually.

Light should generally be the same or a little brighter... remember that outdoor shade is still much brighter than indoor shade. This does not mean put them in intense, direct sun - just someplace that receives several hours of bright filtered light every day. Alocasias in particular will not do well in the dark.

Humidity must be increased. The central heating systems in most northernly homes will decimate and dessicate all but the toughest plants. Spider mites also capitalize on dry and stressed plants, so take precautions. Add a cool-air humidifier or vaporizer. Add pebble trays. Group your plants together. Got radiators? You can buy plastic radiator humidifiers very cheaply at most home improvement stores. You can even decorate them. For your Alocasia, you also might try misting. Misting is a great debate among houseplant people... I mist because I really, really enjoy it. However, it must be a very fine mist, otherwise you're just getting your plant wet. Make sure to mist the underside of your alocasia's leaves. To prevent sunburn and sunspots, avoid misting heavily when sunlight is the strongest... try for afternoon and evening.

Watering must be gradually decreased. With the naturally reduced winter photoperiod, your plants will go into a resting period. New growth will come slowly, and all resources will be more slowly metabolized. Giving them the same amount of water as in spring or summer, when all engines are running, will be too much. Root rot and fungus gnats are the ensuant problems in this scenario. Here's one approach... wait until the soil looks dry. Stick your finger in the topsoil up to the first joint. Still feels dry? Try lifting the pot. With big and beefy plants like Alocasia, just tilt the pot to get a feel for the weight. If the pot feels light, chances are it's safe to give them a little drink. Alocasias in particular appreciate light, consistent moisture. I know that's a lot of conflicting information... all I can say is, with practice you'll get the hang of it.

Fertilizing must be decreased, for all the reasons above.

Some plants may need to be potted-up. Did it grow like the dickens this summer? Look at the bottom of the pot... are roots exploding out of the drainage holes? Does the plant seems constantly thirsty, or does it wilt quickly between waterings? It may be potbound (cue dramatic chipmunk music). Potting-up should typically happen in spring, however, some plants that have put out huge flushes of new growth over summer will benefit from a potting-up in fall. Try to do this early. The plant should have time to adjust to it's new pot before it comes inside. Hold off on the watering for a while... water will pool in the fresh compost that does not yet contain roots, which we know = stagnation, root rot, and fungus gnats. Also, do not overpot. I repeat, do not overpot. The new pot should be one inch bigger in diameter than the old pot. This will save your hiney!

Not ridiculously potbound, but definitely needing more room.

The bottom roots had cracked the plastic pot.

For Alocasias, which are extremely top-heavy, this is a good time to install stakes.

Finally - I cannot stress this enough - before your plant comes indoors, check for pests and take appropriate measures. If your plant lived outdoors this summer, chances are high that it has picked up some opportunistic fauna. Before you even clean the plant off, check for pests. Check stalks, stems, roots, pots, and the undersides of leaves. This is the best time to spot that heinous scale infestation and throw the plant away... before it takes down your entire plant collection mid-January. If you see just a couple of enemy combatants, take them out with a q-tip dipped in alcohol. Then, it's on to the bath. Small plants can be gently showered in the sink. Large plants like Alocasia can be wiped down with a damp rag. You can use a dilute solution of insecticidal soap, if necessary. This is your second line of defense in the battle against hitchhikers. If you have confirmed the presence of insects, isolate the plant and continue treatment. More detailed information on chemical warfare will follow in upcoming posts.

Ta da! Now, hopefully, your green pets/experiment subjects will be adjusted and content in time for winter.

Confessions of a Plantaholic

2009-09-05T16:18:00.009-05:00

So today I happened to be cruising Des Plaines, IL, and found time for a shopping trip at Pesche's. Let me draw you a quick analogy.

Plants: Pesche's :: Thoroughbreds: Kentucky Horse Park.

Pesche's is a rambling, palatial estate of a greenhouse that offers separate rooms for indoor and outdoor plants, indoor and outdoor tools, indoor and outdoor curatives, and indoor and outdoor pottery. They also have special areas for garden tchotchkes, seasonal/holiday paraphernalia, and lady's fashions. If you buy a pot with your houseplant, they will whisk it away like Christmas elves to their giant indoor potting benches and bring it back to you daintily assembled, with two little mints sitting on the topsoil. They have terrariums so big, you could grow vegetables in them. If you come in and tell them that you need a systemic that prevents unicorns, they will have it.

I'm exaggerating a little, but not much. The only downside to the magic that is Pesche's is that it is wicked expensive. A 5" or 6" pot of even the most common crassula will run you about $18. Really, you get what you pay for (the plants are all in great condition) but that doesn't make them more accessible to a fabulously poor girl like me. Fortunately, you mostly get treated the same regardless of whether you're there to buy a thousand dollars worth of espaliered trees or five dollars worth of twist-ties. One employee was kind enough to show me their SUPER-COOL garden microscope, which takes photos and videos. If you bring in a suspicious lobe/frond/leaf, they will pop it in the microscope and reveal whatever frolicking critters reside there.

In an uncharacteristic show of restraint, I decided to ONLY purchase the tools and chemicals I needed, rather than a glut of plants. I received some really interesting suggestions from the employees, and I'll share the results of these experiments in upcoming posts.

I did buy one tillandsia (noid). But I don't think that counts, do you? It's teensy.

Powdery Mildew!

2009-09-03T14:47:00.006-05:00

Remember my catnip? In my lush, lovely windowbox?

Well I whacked it, mob style. Do you want to know why? Powdery mildew! My first encounter. That's when I started noticing, all over the north side of Chicago...

Powdery Mildew! (Edgewater)

Powdery Mildew! (Loyola)

Powdery Mildew! (Rogers Park)

Powdery Mildew! (Also Rogers Park)

Houseplants rarely get powdery mildew because indoor conditions are too dry. However, plants on a patio vacation for summer may contract powdery mildew through airborne spores. The treatment indoors or out is basically the same... remove affected leaves, apply fungicide if needed. Unfortunately, fungicides which are sold for this purpose (and often loudly tout their safety with indoor plants) are often much too harsh. Ferns in particular are sensitive to most chemical treatments, even dilute soap sprays. Always use chemicals as a last resort, use sparingly, allow free drainage of the chemical (no cachepots) and test a small section first. Or you could be like me, and deep-six the whole mess.

As for all the powdery mildew around town, I have no idea. I guess that many outdoor plants can contract powdery mildew yearly in spring and summer without sustaining too much damage, but it seems like it's everywhere, and destroying a lot of the spring flushes on neighborhood trees. It's even in the trees right outside the windows of my plant room, so I'm a little concerned about it entering the compound when the windows are open. We'll see.

The Cyathea Has Landed

2009-09-01T15:28:00.006-05:00

Well, it finally happened. I acquired my first Legit Tree Fern. After much heartbreak with a trunking fern of the Blechnum persuasion, I searched high and low for a suitable replacement. As much as I love to shop for plants online, the prices are usually prohibitively expensive. Also, tree ferns are just really goddamn hard to find. You can imagine, then, the enormity of my freak-out upon finding a big beautiful specimen of Cyathea çooperi at Heinz Brothers Greenhouse in St. Charles, IL.

I went into Heinz Brothers to see if they carried vermiculite. Very few places do anymore... apparently there's something about the mining process that is a bit naughty. I felt pretty guilty about this purchase, so I wandered around the greenhouse for a while clutching the bag like a vermiculite junkie and rationalizing, "I just need a little bag, and I'll make it last... then no more..."

I turned a corner, and BAM! There were the Australian tree ferns (also known as scaly tree ferns). These monsters were in ten inch pots, about three feet tall and about four and a half feet in diameter. They were expensive, and deservedly so. I left Heinz Brothers with only my vermiculite and a deep, deep longing.

Later I emailed them to ask if the ferns were a part of their summer sale. They were not (flowering tropicals only), but the person who responded to my email offered me a bad-ass discount nonetheless. So I returned. I combed over the selection, trying to find one with some new growth, and settled when I found THE CROZIER TO END ALL CROZIERS.

There was one setback- in the upper branches, nesting like majestic pterosaurs, were a couple of huge mealybugs. But the plant was in such good condition otherwise, and it was such a good deal on a rare find, I didn't really mind. Into my car went the fern, where it spent the car trip trying to hug me from the back seat and showering me in needle-sharp hairs.

Now it is safely home, and hopefully adjusting. I don't have enough room to isolate it entirely, so I have it sitting in the corner of the plant room, with my mealybug mis-en-place close at hand.

-NA

Nature Assassin: Tokyo Drift

2009-09-01T13:19:00.016-05:00

Get ready, these next few posts are going to be fast and furious.

Vin for the Win!*

Anyway. Wha.... oh yeah. Plants.

Ledebouria (socialis?) has bloomed a-gain. The flowers aren't particularly pretty, but they are interesting at least. Dave's Garden lists other common names for this plant as Violet Squill and Silver Squill. What the hell is a squill?

This species reportedly hails from South Africa. I picked mine up from Ted's Greenhouse in Tinley Park, IL. Ted's is really a neat place... they have an incredible variety of cacti and succulents, and they label much more meticulously than most greenhouses. I've purchased three lovely and unusual sansevierias from them - ballyi, ehrenbergii and halli "baseball bat." The other great thing about Ted's is that their young specimens are often available in tiny, inexpensive pots... two inchers are usually two or three bucks, even if you're getting a rare variety. This is great for people like me with limited funds and plenty of patience for little plants. One time I was there eyeing a group of sans in a big pot, and an employee asked if I wanted to buy it. I told him I was really looking for just one specimen rather than the whole big expensive pot. He grabbed a big offshoot from the parent plant, hacked it off, and made me an offer!

One more ledebouria photo.

CHECK OUT MAH NEW TABLE! I made it myself. Well, me and IKEA. It was hella cheap, and suits my purposes nicely. I've got my terrariums down below (updates on that project to follow) and my high-light plants (bananas, BOPS, etc) sit on top. It also serves as a workspace for repotting, checking for pests under clamp-lights, any anything else that might make a mess. I had previously used my drafting table for this purpose, and now that we have something more appropriate, we have our drafting table back in the living room. Boyfriend is pleased because he is afraid of the plant room, with its ensuant spines, barbs, toxic sap, and insects.

Of course, moments after this picture was taken, the table was completely cluttered with plants and books, and three piles of vomit appeared thereupon. The responsible party has not stepped forward, but evidence showed traces of Ficus pumila, so the case is not closed.

That's all for now.

Endnote: I seriously love VD. I did a life size oil painting of him in college. When I briefly interned at Fantagraphics in Seattle, my boss and I loved to talk about The Chronicles of Riddick, particularly how he showers with his clothes on and doesn't use big guns. My theory is that - unlike other beefcake action heroes - Riddick doesn't wield many phallic weapons because he IS a phallic weapon. From his rippling pecs to his shaved head, the man is like a total-body erection. I could 'Intro to Gender Issues' that shit all day. Add in spaceships, sweet-ass costumes and ridiculously bad acting, and it's pure cinematic gold. They should make 100 "Riddick" movies. Throw Bill Nighy in a couple of them. I will see them all.

Ficus Pumila...

2009-08-21T09:22:00.004-05:00

... can just go to hell. And nearly did.

I JUST got this plant and I've already maimed it. I had heard so much about this plant being tough, so I was really surprised when half of the foliage crisped up in ONE DAY, and I had to cut it all back. With hanging pots I'm usually concerned about overwatering, because excess water has no means to drain and can easily cause root rot. Thus I held back on the water and amped up the misting in an attempt to meet moisture needs through humidity... and killed it with kindness. I also neglected to repot it with a better, healthier mix when I brought it home, which was simply foolish. It shouldn't take too long to bounce back as long as I'm careful about the watering. I'll be keeping a much better eye on it - as you can see, it's a spider mite infestation waiting to happen. Apologies for catbutt.

After the loss of my asplenium bulbiferum and the rather accidental assassination of my Dryopteris erythrosora (previously and erroneously labelled "Davallia"), I needed a new fern to cheer me up.

According to the greenhouse people, "It's a red fern. A red-leaf fern." Erm... okey dokey. Hopefully I'll find out what it actually is before I kill it. In other news, I have resumed the terrarium art project...

These globes are on the fifth day of their quarantine. In case my ingredients were not perfectly sterile, I decided to give each little microsystem a week or so to start "breathing" properly and send up any volunteer stowaways. Next week I'll add a thin, thin layer of wet peat to the top, and then my Kyoto moss spores. The labels indicate different watering techniques (I'm trying to find the best way to prevent mildew and compaction).